Page 52 of This Life and All the Rest
“When do you have to leave?” I ask, changing the subject.
Sam’s stayed with me as long as she can. She helped move me into my new apartment in London and get situated, but now it’s August, and she can’t put off college any longer.
She has to go back to the States, and I have to let her go.
I don’t tell her it’s gutting me. I don’t tell her I can feel myself teetering on the edge of something scary. She’s sacrificed enough for me. I have to figure out how to do this on my own.
Sam checks the time on her phone and frowns.
“My car will be here in, like, fifteen minutes.”
The pit in my stomach grows, but I flash her a smile, then grab my glass of wine from the bedside table and finish it. She watches with a concerned expression.
“Don’t do that,” I scold her, and she throws up her hands.
“I’m not doing anything.”
“You are. You’re looking at me like you think I’m a ticking time bomb.”
She’s quiet for a minute, then she takes a deep breath.
“I think you might be, Len.” My shoulders fall, and her frown deepens. “It’s just... you haven’t really dealt with anything, you know? It’s like you’ve just shut off, and I’m worried.”
I blow out a harsh breath, then pull my eyeliner from my makeup bag.
“I don’t want to talk about this anymore, Sam.”
I lean into the mirror on my desk and line my eyes with black instead of looking at her.
I’m tired of this conversation. Just because I’m not sobbing on her shoulder every night. Just because I decided that being sad isn’t going to change anything. I don’t want to mourn. I don’t want to grieve. I don’t want to hurt anymore. I want to live my fucking life.
Sam stares at me for another moment, then pulls her phone out.
“That’s it. I’m staying.”
“No,” I say firmly. “You can’t blow off college anymore. I will be fine. I can’t use you as a crutch anymore.” I drop my eyeliner on the desk and turn to face her. “You have done more for me than you know, but it’s time for me to woman up and deal with this on my own.”
“But that’s the thing, Len, you’re not dealing with anything. You haven’t even talked about—”
“Stop,” I blurt, cutting her off. “Just stop, okay? I don’t want to fight before you leave.”
She sighs, but then thankfully, she nods.
“I’m gonna miss you,” she says with a sad smile.
“I’m gonna miss you, too.”
“I’ll come to visit soon, okay?” Her phone buzzes in her hand, and she looks at the screen. “That’s my ride.”
We stand at the same time, and I grab her in a tight hug. God, I’m going to miss her. She’s kept my head above water this summer. Without her, I’m afraid I might drown.
“I’ll see you soon, yeah?”
We break apart and she grabs her suitcase, wheeling it out of my room. I trail her to the door of my apartment. I don’t know where my new roommates are, but I’m glad they’re not here for my inevitable breakdown once Sam leaves.
“Text when you land,” I tell her, and she grins.
“Duh.” She hugs me once more before stepping into the hall. “Bye, bitch.”
