Page 64 of Casper
CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT
CASPER
I fucking hated the holidays. Growing up, it had been a constant reminder that I didn’t have the happy little family everyone else had. Holiday movies and TV shows were filled with the meaning of the season. Families uniting to sing and celebrate. Utter bullshit.
Since that season was now upon us, I was more bitter than I’d been in a long time. Maybe I should’ve been happy. I finally had someone to celebrate with. Someone to cuddle up with on the cold winter nights.
My mood had been up and down in the weeks since I’d been shot. Some days were harder than others for both Luna and me. All things considered, she seemed to be doing better. I wanted that for her. I wanted it for myself too. I wasn’t sure why I was such a grumpy fuck these days.
Standing in the doorway to the church, I stared out into the graveyard, watching snowflakes drift down from the sky. The guys and I were waiting for a drop. An important delivery of pharmaceutical goods. Things like HIV meds and other drugs some people struggled to get. We got them at a hell of a deal and sold them at a fair price far below what people would payat the pharmacy. Especially those without decent benefits. Not everything we did was shady.
“Fuck it’s cold. I think we need to upgrade this shitty little space heater.” Rubbing his hands together in front of the small heater, Auryn shivered. He wore a hoodie with the hood pulled up as well as a leather jacket over top.
“Buy one then,” Rebel said, lighting up a joint.
“Buy one then,” Auryn mocked in a snippy, high-pitched voice. “We should take it out of the group fund. It would benefit everyone.”
We used a generator to run power to the church. However, the building wasn’t heated. Maybe it had been at one time. So many years had passed since it had been operational.
I turned around to face Auryn, my hands moving as I signed, “If you’d like, I can punch you in the face a few times. You probably won’t be thinking about the cold anymore.”
“You’re a real grumpy bastard lately. What the hell is your problem?” Auryn paused in his hand rubbing motions long enough to flip me the middle finger.
Instead of responding, I turned back to stare out the church door, watching for our seller to arrive. When Rebel passed me the joint, I took a long drag, sucking smoke deep into my lungs. Even some high-quality weed wasn’t enough to help me chill out these days.
“Judging by the silence from his bedroom lately, I’d say our boy needs to seriously get laid.” Stray chuckled, always amused by himself.
“Not everyone needs to constantly be fucking like you do, Stray,” Dom snickered. “I’m pretty sure you’re going to friction burn the skin right off of that thing one of these days.”
Stray scoffed. “Hell no. My girl is always soaked for me. There’s no friction.”
“Codie would slice your dick right off if she heard you talk about her that way to us,” Auryn said. Changing the subject, he added, “Seriously though, Casper. What’s up with you lately?”
I chewed the inside of my cheek, mulling over my response. They were dickheads, but they were my best friends. Maybe it would help to get some of it off my chest.
Turning around to face the four of them, I signed, “Luna and I haven’t fucked since the night her ex shot me. Since he… violated her. She wants to do it. It’s me. I’m the problem. I just can’t bring myself to be with her like that. It’s driving me fucking crazy.”
“We can tell,” Rebel said. His expression was neutral, his tone gentle. “If she wants to do it, then what’s the problem?”
“I’m not sure. I guess I’m afraid that she’ll think of him. That she’ll freak out or something.” I shook my head, passing the joint off to Stray. Crossing my arms over my chest, I leaned in the threshold of the church. This wasn’t the kind of discussion I would have with just anybody. Thankfully, these guys were like my brothers.
Dom nodded thoughtfully before saying, “She wants to though. That means she trusts you. Maybe it’s how the two of you finally move past this.”
“Take it slow,” Rebel advised. “Let her be in control.”
“Use a safe word if that makes you both feel better. The longer you hold back, the harder it will be to finally do it. If your girl wants it, I say you give it to her.” Stray offered me a shrug. “I can’t imagine how hard it is to navigate a situation like that. The two of you need to work it out together.”
For a bunch of guys who could be immature idiots sometimes they made some solid points. Luna and I would have to get through this together if we were going to get through it at all. That’s what I wanted. More than anything.
An SUV pulled up to the church then, cutting off the rest of our conversation. Stray stubbed out the joint, and we went outside to meet the men who piled out of the vehicle. Four men ranging in age from twenties to forties got out, pulling several boxes from the back.
I held a bag stuffed with cash. Once we checked the goods and verified they were exactly what we asked for, we would hand off the cash and move on with our evening. Late in the afternoon now, the sun had already set, leaving the faintest trace of natural light behind. Snow fell gently, landing in layers that would eventually pile up if it didn’t stop soon.
“How’s it going guys?” Steve, the leader of the group, greeted us. “Ready for the holidays?”
Not interested in making small talk, Rebel motioned for the other men to put the boxes down on the ground in front of us. “Yeah sure. Do you have all of it?”
“Fifty cases. We can probably get you more next month.” Steve eyed the bag in my hand. “You have the amount we agreed on?”
