Page 61 of Casper
“I can’t be here without you,” I sobbed, my chest heaving as I struggled for every breath.
Smoothing a hand over my hair, he rocked me gently. Trying to soothe me with gentle kisses on my forehead. I wished so badly he would say something. I wanted to hear him tell me he would never try to leave me again. If he left me, the only memory I would ever have of his voice was hearing him scream my name. I couldn’t live with that.
Once my sobs had calmed and I was able to breathe properly again, Casper pulled back so he could sign. His face was stained with tears, his green eyes filled with sorrow.
“I’m sorry I hurt you. I thought you would be better off without me. I hoped you would find someone strong enough to protect you the way I couldn’t.”
Vigorously, I shook my head, causing my pink and purple hair to fly about. “I know you’re hurting. I’m sorry for making this about me. It should be about you. When Codie told me what happened, I felt like the best thing that ever happened to me had been taken away. I need you, Casper. I don’t want anyone else to protect me. And you can’t punish yourself for what happened with Jace.”
“It never should have happened,” he signed. “Not on my watch.”
“Stop that. This isn’t on you. Don’t you think part of me wanted to die after what he did? After he made you watch? If we don’t keep moving forward, then he wins. I can’t go forward without you, Casper. I’m sorry. I just can’t.”
I held tight to him, afraid to let go. Afraid he would somehow slip away from me.
Casper pressed his forehead to mine, nodding gently. Unable to keep the words inside, I whispered, “Please don’t leave me.”
We sat on the cold hospital room floor, holding one another until our bodies couldn’t take it anymore. Moving back to the bed, Casper got settled, pulling me onto the small bed next to him. It reminded me of the first night he spent at my dorm, when we crammed onto the tiny twin bed together.
“Never,” he signed. “As soon as I took those pills, I regretted it. I don’t want to leave you, Luna. I never did. I’ve been carrying these feelings and urges for so long. It all became too much.”
Sniffling, I wiped a stray tear from my face with the back of my hand. “We both need to talk to someone. We both need to heal. Separately and together.”
A heavy sigh racked him. He nodded, holding his hands up in front of us both as he signed. “I know. They tried to get me into therapy after the accident as a kid. My aunt and uncle did their best. I didn’t make it easy for them. As soon as I turned sixteen I split. I don’t want to be like this anymore. Don’t give up on me, flower.”
“Not a chance,” I vowed, meeting his gaze, crumbling at the agony within him. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“Neither am I. Promise.” Casper pressed kisses against the side of my face, hugging me tight. His body trembled slightly, overrun with emotion and pain.
I knew we could heal and come out of this stronger. Neither of us deserved the things we’d endured. Somehow we now had to pick up the pieces. Putting ourselves back together. There was nobody else in this world I would rather face this hardship with than him.
Casper was my person. My everything. Death had failed to take him. Again. He was mine, and I was never letting him go.
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
CASPER
There was nothing better than being in Luna’s space. Having her lavender scent all around me. I’d been spending a lot of time with her at the dorm. Not only because I simply enjoyed being with her but because it had been difficult to exist in my own space. My bedroom no longer felt safe.
Almost three weeks since the night I downed the painkillers and I was still skittish about my bedroom. I’d wanted nothing to do with pain meds after leaving the hospital for the second time. Instead choosing to suffer through the pain with only the occasional acetaminophen or ibuprofen.
Both Luna and I had started speaking with a therapist. She’d done a much better job of it than I had, going regularly every week. I’d only gone once so far. Even though I managed to find someone who understood sign language, I still struggled to put the emotions I’d carried for so long into words.
We both still had our moments where we fought through a traumatic memory. A depressive episode that left us in bed, staring at the ceiling. For the most part, we were both doing a lot better now. Although we still had quite a way to go.
My friends had gone over and above to check in on me frequently. Maybe even too often. Dominik had a tendency to watch a little too closely. Not that I blamed him.
Luna had been spending a lot more time with her girlfriends. They’d made her a priority, dropping everything to be there for her. I was grateful that she had them.
Strengthening our relationship had become my personal goal. Watching her fall apart in the hospital room, begging to know how I could leave her that way, had done something to me. I’d quickly realized that not only did I love her, I was absolutely head over heels in love with her.
I belonged to her as she belonged to me. The thought of leaving her devastated and broken racked me with guilt. Even though I had a lot of healing ahead of me, I knew that I couldn’t go to my grave leaving her that way. I would stay. For her. For myself. For us.
“Should we order Chinese tonight?” Luna asked, tilting her head up to look at me.
We leaned against the headboard of her bed, cuddled up together as we watched a movie on her laptop, which she’d propped on the desk. While not the most ideal movie set up, it worked.
“Sounds good to me,” I signed. “Whatever my flower prefers.”
