Page 85 of Take My Breath Away
I tamp down my annoyance. He’s being a friend, that’s all. He’d warned me what a twat Grant was, and said I was crazy to get involved. I wished I’d listened, but there’s no comparison with James, not in a million years.
“It’s the wisest thing I’ve done. I like him. A lot.”
“Should hope so, seeing as you’re shacked up. Which kind of raises the question, what’s happening with your plan to move down to Brighton?”
The question he couldn’t not ask, and the one I can’t not answer.
“Obviously I’m staying in London now. We’re looking for small kitchen premises I can work from.” I do my best not to squirm. I should have expected the question, but it still makes me feel a little defensive, like he’s questioning my judgement — which of course he is.
“So, you’ve turned all your plans upside down?” Again, for another man, he may as well add.
“No, I’ve adjusted them, that’s all.”
His impassive expression tells me he’s not convinced. I’d hoped for more enthusiasm from my oldest friend, but I have to remind myself that he’s often had a front row seat to watch the farce that’s been my relationships. But James, and what I have with him, is different and I need to make him understand that.
“Alfie, I know what I’m doing. Believe me when I say he’s different — when you meet him you’ll realise that.”
James in his handmade suits, and Alfie dressed like he’s raided the fancy dress shop. Despite their surface differences, I think they’d not only take the other in their stride, but even like each other.
Alfie releases a long breath, and nods. “Okay. Tell me about him.”
I take a sip from my beer, as I think how to begin.
“Well, he’s older and by quite a bit. No, he’s not some kind of Daddy,” I say, when Alfie cocks a brow. “That’s not my thing at all, and I definitely don’t have an older guy, silver fox fantasy thing going on.”
Or not really… Or maybe just a bit…
“I don’t really think about the age difference. James is just — well, he’s James. I guess being older gives him confidence and self-assurance, and that’s attractive in itself, and that makes me feel more confident, I suppose.”
I look down at my hands fiddling with the damp label on the beer bottle. I’m silent for a moment and when my words come, they come slowly.
“He listens to me and values my opinions. And he respects me, too. Let’s face it, most of the guys I’ve been with couldn’t have cared less about what I thought of anything. I feel safe with him. It’s not that I’m looking for some sort of safe harbour because I’m not, but I feel that with him I can truly relax and be who I am. I’m not on edge, I don’t feel I’m having to run around trying please him all the time, like I’ve always done in the past.”
“And the sex is fucking hot?”
I burst out laughing. Alfie being Alfie, direct but never cruel. It’s one of the reasons I love him.
“Yes, it is. It just sort of happened and it’s gone from there. There was never any expectation on his part, when I started renting a room,” I say quickly, meeting Alfie’s eye. “Sex was never, ever part of the deal. Don’t think that because it’s not true.”
Alfie doesn’t say anything for a moment. He’s thinking, wondering what to say or how to say it. I know because I recognise the sign, the rapid tap, tap, tap of his right heel on the floor.
“Being older means he’ll have a history—”
“Of course he has, and he’s told me some of it. What’s your point?” I snap when I don’t mean to, but Alfie’s words have put me on the defensive. I’m living in my James bubble and I don’t want it burst.
“My point is, if he’s a lot older and he’s not attached that might be because that’s not what he really wants, not deep down and long term.”
“So what are you saying, Alfie? That I’m some kind of novelty for a few months? I’ve told you, it’s not like that.”
I’m angry, but I’m also upset, but I need to keep a lid on it, and tell myself that in being devil’s advocate, Alfie’s being the friend he’s always been. Yet I can’t help the ice that settles low in my stomach.
“No, I’m not saying that, but whatI amsaying is be careful. You meet someone and five minutes later you’re getting all serious and settled down.”
“There’s nothing wrong with wanting a long term relationship.” Heat throbs in my cheeks. I can protest all I like and although he’s exaggerating there’s some truth in what he says and we both know it.
“Perry, most blokes our age aren’t looking for that.”
“That’s the point. You’ve said it. James isn’t our age. And anyway, we’re just starting out.”
