Page 98 of Take My Breath Away
It doesn’t take me long to get sorted out at Alfie’s. He’s my best friend, and he knows me well enough to leave me alone. I’m not in any great mood to dissect what’s happened with me and James and I don’t want to pick over the bones. What I need now is to look forward, not backward, but at the same time I don’t feel like doing much more than huddling in the corner and just losing myself in the TV or a book. Alfie gets it and, the good friend that he is, he lets me do just that.
For the first couple of nights he stays at the flat, keeping me quiet company, but he’s also been on the phone a lot to Leo and when I tell him to piss off and go and stay with him he gives me a sheepish grin. My own life might be a pile of steaming shit at the moment, but I don’t want that for anybody else. Even James. I don’t think I have the energy to hate him, even though it’s what I’m supposed to do.
I throw myself into my job even more so than normal, but after a few days of wallowing as soon as I get home, I tell myself it’s time to get Operation Perry up and running again.
It’s just gone three o’clock and my stomach rumbles, reminding me I’ve not yet taken a lunch break. I’m hungry yet I don’t feel much like eating, but I suppose I should pick at the sandwich I’ve brought in with me. Closing down the spreadsheet I’ve been working on, I pull up a list of Brighton estate agents, but there’s nothing new on the market, just the same grotty old places. With barely three weeks until Christmas, it’s probably not worth even looking until the New Year.
My heart lurches.
Christmas.
James had told me he always has a tree delivered, and I’d imagined we’d decorate it together. The wood burning stove crackling, mince pies and mulled wine…
The thought of Christmas and all its forced cheer and jollity turns my stomach, and I shove the sandwich away. I’ve always loved Christmas, always embraced it, but this year I want to bundle it into a box and drop it in the Thames. But it’s unavoidable, it’s a monster devouring everything in its path, even here at work.
The first of the corporate Christmas cards are starting to arrive and some of my workmates have even decorated their computers with various bits of Christmas tat. The office decorations and the tree will go up on Friday afternoon and then, in the evening, everybody will decamp for the office party to a smart nearby bar with a private function room. Everything’s been organised to within an inch of its life. I know, because I’m responsible for sorting it out. Elliot’s employees and their partners, although not many partners come, and a small handful of invited guests of Elliot’s, which has always included James.
This year I shan’t be going. I’ll go along ahead of time just to make sure there aren’t any last minute issues, and then I’m going to make myself scarce. I think it’s fair to say I’m not in the party mood.
“Perry? Can I have a quick word, please?”
I jump, and swing around. Elliot’s poking his head around his office door. Normally he would just ring through, and my heart drops because I already know what this is about.
In his office I sit down in the chair on the other side of the desk to him.
“I’m not going to beat about the bush. I know you and James have split up.”
Of course he does. The two of them are best friends. I haven’t missed the slightly awkward glances Elliot’s thrown my way over the last couple of days. He’s a good man and he was probably wondering whether or not he should say anything as, technically, my personal life doesn’t have anything to do with him. But, he’s also Elliot’s oldest friend and I was James’ partner even though you could have blinked and missed it.
“Yes, we have. It’s probably for the best. I don’t think we were very well matched.”
Elliot huffs and shakes his head. He’s scowling and he looks annoyed.
“He’s an idiot. I don’t know the details, he just told me you’ve parted. Nothing more. He’s done some stupid things in the past but this beats everything. I’m sorry Perry, I truly am.”
I don’t know what to do or say other than stare at him. Elliot’s a great boss but he’s always coolly professional. We never cross the line into talking about anything remotely personal and I’ve always been happy with that, so to hear him berate his oldest friend like this… I look down and smile.
“Thank you, for thinking he’s an idiot, but the truth is we’re just too different. What I want from life isn’t what he wants. I just hope he finds what it is he’s looking for.”
Which isn’t me.
“He had found it, if he’d just had the sense to see it.”
I start at Elliot’s words, as a little flair lights up in my heart. But no. Elliot’s talking from his own perspective, that of a man who’s happy and in love and looking forward to a life with the man of his dreams.
“So what’s happening now? Are you still looking for a place so you can start your own business?”
We’re back to the purely practical, and that’s fair enough because what I choose to do next affects my position here. Elliot certainly looks more at ease talking about this and, to be honest, so am I.
“Yes, I’m still determined to give it a go. If I don’t, I know I’ll always regret it. All thosewhat ifs. And now seems the opportune time.”
Whilst I’ve got no ties, whilst I’m not involved with anybody…
Elliot nods, reading between the lines.
“I’m still looking in the vicinity of Brighton, because it’s not all about the business and striking out on my own. It never has been. It’s about starting completely afresh. Brighton’s the ideal, but I’m widening the net and there are one or two other places I’m happy to consider if Brighton doesn’t work out.” Which are also cheaper. Now that everything’s on my back, that’s no small consideration. “I’ll keep you informed of everything, so we can plan for my replacement.”
And you can maybe tell James…
