Page 95 of Take My Breath Away
To love you.
Words I can’t say.
“Who was it?”
It’s as though he’s fired a gun, as his words blast into me. I catch my breath, but his eyes widen as dark knowledge lights up inside him.
“Him. That guy. Aiden. The one you had some kind of fuck buddy arrangement with. Has this been happening all along?” His voice wavers, but the muscles in his face harden.
“No, I’ve not—” I take a step towards him, but he lurches back.
“Keep the fuck away from me.” He’s shaking, every part of him trembling as his icy demeanour cracks.
“I’ve not… but I was tempted. I came so close to—to—”
“Fucking another man.”
I drop my head and say nothing.
The fridge gurgles, the wall clock ticks out the seconds and in the distance a car roars past before fading to nothing.
“I’m sorry, Perry. I’m so, so sorry. I’d do anything for this not to have happened.”
“But it has, hasn’t it? Yet, in some warped way I guess I should thank you.”
“What?” My head snaps up. “I don’t understand.”
All the stoniness in his face and voice has crumbled to dust. He looks tired, worn out and Christ, but it makes the jagged line breaking my heart in two break a little more. I want to go to him, hold him as I whispersorry, sorry, sorryinto his hair. He wouldn’t believe me, he has no reason to believe anything I say ever again.
He hugs himself around his middle, thekeep awaymessage as loud as if it were screamed through a megaphone.
He shrugs.
“You rescued me when I needed it. You gave me a home when I had none and for that I’ll always be thankful. You even made me happy when for a long time I’d not had very much of that in my life. And yes, you made me believe in something that was really just an illusion. But you can’t be who you aren’t. I realise that now. Just like I realise the only one I can truly rely on is myself. I have to stand on my own two feet, I mustn’t let myself get sidetracked and you sidetracked me, James, but then I suppose I wanted to be, so it’s my fault too.”
“It’s not—”
“I’m going to rely on myself,” he says, raising his voice as he tilts his chin up, sweeping away my words. His arms drop to his side. “I’ll rely on myself because I can’t rely on anybody else. And you’ve taught me that, James, you’ve taught me that lesson very well. I’m going to talk to Alfie about moving in with him, as soon as possible, just like I’m going to make sure I get the new start I’ve promised myself. But this time it’s going to be down to me, and me alone.”
A moment later he’s gone. I slump down into my chair as my legs begin to buckle.
It’s for the best, it’s for the best, it’s for the best…I tell myself that over and over, tying the words around me like rope because if I don’t, I’ll unravel and fall apart.
Chapter Forty-Three
PERRY
“Of course you can come here, and for as long as you need to you dipstick. I’m sorry, mate, I really am.”
I close my eyes and all I can think is,thank God for Alfie.It’d taken all my courage to send Alfie the text, telling him things haven’t worked out with James, and could I come and stay? Alfie’s call had come less than a minute later.
“You think he might be going with other blokes?” At least there’s noI told you sotone to his voice, and for that I’m grateful.
“No. He said he hasn’t and I believe him. But…” I swallow hard, before I tell Alfie what’s happened.
“Jesus Fucking Christ.” Alfie explodes on the other end of the line, and I jerk the mobile back. “So it’s,sorry Perry, but I’ve decided that, going forward, I don’t think I’m going to like keeping my dick safely tucked away, so bye bye.What a wanker.”
“No, it wasn’t quite like that.” Wasn’t it? I’m not so sure, when it comes down to it.
