Page 132 of Still Bruised
“Or he wasn’t ready to face treatment,” Foster said.
“One of his therapists tried to convince him his problems stemmed from his homosexuality and suggested conversion therapy.”
Foster’s jaw dropped.
“Yeah, trust me, itwasn’tJude. Those doctors deserved to lose their licenses for the things they told him.” Anton growled. “I wish he’d kept trying to find the right doctor, but I get why he didn’t. He was exhausted and wasn’t getting the help he needed. His regular doc keeps him on some of the pills they prescribed, but I’m not sure those are great either. He’s mentioned they blunt everything. He calls them his zombie pills. Instead of dealing with what happened, he’s stayed relatively numb for fifteen years. It’s kind of hard to move past things when you can’t feel.”
Foster nodded. “I saw the mountain of pills he takes in the morning.”
Anton watched him a few seconds. “Yeah, you mentioned your car outside the shop a minute a go. You spent a night at his place?”
Foster nodded. “A few.”
Anton scoffed, his brow furrowing deeper.
“What?”
“Jude’smeticulousin the way he avoids relationships. It wouldn’t be too much to call it pathological. He has unfaltering rules he refuses to break, one of them being that men never stay the night.Ever.”
Silence fell between them.
“I think he has these rules to avoid being vulnerable. He doesn’t want to feel weak ever again. He also doesn’t trust people outside of a very,veryshort list. If he broke one of his cardinal rules for you—that’s big in Jude’s world. Not big.Gargantuan.”
Foster digested that, his head spinning. “I don’t know what to do with that.”
“I’m trying to tell you he has feelings for you.”
“I know that. I finally got him to admit he felt something Halloween night, but little good that did. He still asked me to give him space—and I got the sense he isn’t planning for there to be an us in the future.”
“He came to you from a place of pain. He said he was cruel and cold with you. He seems to be under the impression that he fucked up any real chance for you two because of that.”
“He hasn’t,” Foster said.
Anton watched him, silent.
“He has every right to resent me. Hearing the details of what he endured only solidifies that in my mind,” Foster said. “If he needed to be cold and cruel to even things between us, so be it.”
“Can they ever be even, though?”
“Probably not,” Foster answered. “I went into this with few expectations. When he showed up on my door and demanded retribution, I was… shocked, to say the least. I sure as shit didn’t realize how much trauma he was still dealing with. If I had, maybe I would’ve said no. I sure as hell didn’t want to cause him more pain. I simply gave him what he asked for.” Foster sighed. “Then along the way, things changed. For both of us.”
The memory of the boy in his arms had intrigued him into saying yes. The man who’d lay exhausted in his arms at the end of a night had enflamed him. He’d had peeks of who Jude was in those moments, late at night. Jude’s walls had gotten thinner and thinner as the nights progressed. They’d shared physical intimacies—but there had been small emotional ones, too. Every one of them had felt earned and special.
Jude had pushed him away over and over again, but he’d been unable to keep his distance. Neither of them had. There seemed a sense of destiny between the two of them. Star-crossed lovers. Fate had thrown them together far too soon, when they’d scarcely been men. They’d suffered because they hadn’t been ready to face the slings and arrows together.
That had been more Foster’s fault than Jude’s.
So what if he’d been cold and cruel? Jude’s demand for some form of recompense had given them a second chance. One Foster refused to let it slip through his fingers.
But there was a problem in his way.
Foster fought a wave of emotion. “I’m not ready to let him go.”
“Knowing him, he’s going to push back hard,” Anton said. “You need to be ready for that.”
“I also have to respect his request. How do I hold on and still give him space?”
“My guess? He asked for space, hoping you’ll eventually give up on him, and he’ll be off the hook. He won’t have to face you or what he feels for you. That’s why I came tonight. You can’t let him do that. Not if you truly care about him.” Anton took a step closer. “Don’t let him force distance because you’ll never get him back.”
