Page 127 of Still Bruised
“Me, too,” Anton said before taking a deep breath. “Look, you’re not wrong that I have concerns about you and Foster together, but I can’t ignore how you acted when you were with him. It’s been so long that I can barely remember that version of you—the guynotcarrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. I was excited to see him back. If Foster can help you find peace again,then I’m willing to give that asshole a chance. Atinychance with no room for fuck ups.”
Jude shook his head. Getting Anton’s semi-approval of Foster hadn’t been on his bingo card.
“Then you start doing that and my doubts about him resurface.”
“Doing what?”
Anton waved at his midsection.“That.”
Jude released his wrist and looked down at himself. “What?”
“Your wrists.”
Jude glanced at his scars. “What are you talking about?”
“You rub them a lot. But since that night you decked him, you’ve been rubbing them all the time… and you get this weird look on your face. Alarm bells go off in my head.”
Jude searched his face. “Stop dancing around and just say it.”
“I see you rubbing those old scars with that weird glint in your eyes—and I worry I won’t find you in time this round.”
“You’re right. I rub them when my thoughts get dark. Or something’s really bothering me.”
Anton’s face fell.
“To remind myself that I survived something really fucking terrible and that I can survive it again. I won’t let myself get that low ever again, no matter how hard life is kicking me in the balls.” Jude lifted a wrist. “They also remind me that I’ve got people who care enough not to let the darkness win.”
Anton’s frown disappeared. Silence fell between them.
“I guess I assumed the worst,” Anton said, his voice weak and thready.
“If it worried you so much, why didn’t you say something before now?”
“I was scared to,” Anton said.
“I’m not going to shatter from a question, Ant.”
Anton sighed. “Maybe I don’t trust you as much as I think I do.” He gave Jude a half-hearted smile. “I guess I’ll have to work on that.”
They’d never really talked things out in the aftermath. They’d moved on, both of them basically pretending it hadn’t happened. On the outside, that is. On the inside, it was still there for both of them. He wasn’t the only one who hadn’t let go.
“Acting like it didn’t happen wasn’t exactly the best way to deal with things. I think we both have some work to do.”
Anton nodded, a hint of a smile on his lips.
“And yes, I’m sad that Foster and I are over, but I’ll survive that, too,” Jude said. “You can go to Wisconsin and not worry about me. I’ll be okay.”
“It’s not too late to talk to him, you know. It’s only been a couple of weeks, right?”
Jude swallowed the lump in his throat. “I’m not ready to be in a relationship.”
“I hate the thought of you letting go of someone who made you happy, Jude.”
“I need to find happinessin myself.Not in someone else,” Jude said.
“Wow.”Anton nodded, blinking. “You’re absolutely right. You do.”
“I thought I’d put everything behind me and moved on. I rarely thought about it.Nevertalked about it. Then Foster comes home, and I’m taken right back like I’d never left it. Like the last fifteen years never happened.” Jude shook his head. “I went to him for some kind of fucked up vengeance, and I treated him like a thing, not a person. I was cold and I was cruel. Yet, somehow, I developed feelings I had no right to feel along the way. Not after the way I treated him.” Jude sighed. “But, if nothing else, being with him showed me that I want something real in my life. Something more than a series of random fucks with no strings. If I’m going to be ready for that, I need to figure my shit out first.”
