Page 120 of Still Bruised
“But I can’t trust it. This whole time, I’ve been waiting for the shitstorm to come, just like it did last time. I don’t want to spend forever looking over my shoulder, waiting for the end to come. For the pain to come. That’s no way to live.”
“No, it’s not,” Foster said. “It’s no way to live, stuck in the pain of the past, wedged in so tight that you can’t imagine a future for yourself. You’re too focused behind yourself than ahead.”
Jude blinked a few times, the truth in Foster’s comment bringing a sudden clarity. It might as well have been a slap across his face.
“I was fine until you came back,” Jude snapped.
“I don’t know what else I can do. I’ve apologized. On several occasions,” Foster said. “The only other thing I can do is be there for you when you need me. But you won’t let me do that.”
Jude winced.
“I agreed to your repayment plan—for a selfish reason, sure—but also in hopes that you might eventually forgive me.” He shook his head, his brows furrowing and casting longer shadows over his face. “I’m starting to doubt you can.”
“My entire life changed after that first kiss,” Jude said. “I went into survival mode. I’m not sure I ever came out of it.”
Foster’s brow furrowed. Pity shone in his eyes.
Jude didn’t want to be pitied.
“Do youwantto come out of it?” Foster asked.
Jude nodded. “I do. I’m just not sure how to.”
“Come back upstairs with me.”
Jude eyed Foster’s outstretched hand. He wanted to take it.
But he couldn’t.
Foster sighed. “I want to be the man you turn to for help. I want to prove you can trust me, Jude.”
He shook his head and watched disappointment wash over Foster’s face.
“I need time to get my shit together before I can let anyone else in,” Jude said.
Foster held his stare a few seconds before he nodded and looked at the ground. “Okay. If that’s what you really need, I’ll respect that.”
Jude gave him a feeble smile.
“I’m sorry I sneaked a fuck out of you,” Jude added.
Foster chuckled. “Youthoughtyou were sneaking one.”
“If it means anything, I did it because I wanted one last time with you.”
“One last time?”Foster frowned. “You talk like there’s no coming back.”
“If I can’t work past things, there won’t be.”
Foster grew quiet. “I wouldn’t have denied you if you’d asked. Just so you know. I was upset and I walked away, but you only have to ask.”
Jude waved a hand out around them. “I was trying to avoidthis.I knew you’d want answers. Answers I wasn’t ready to give.”
“I kind of wish I’d played along a little longer. I’d like to have avoided this, too. I saw it going a whole other way.” Foster closed the gap a bit. “I miss you already.”
“It’s not exactly goodbye. It’s more amaybe I’ll see you later.”
Foster gave him a weak smile.
