Page 144 of Fight or Flight
That makes me pause, and I mull that over in my head for a few beats.
Usually my reaction to that kind of question is a quick “Hell no,” but the typical icky feelings I get when I think about dating or settling down with someone aren’t there.
“I don’t know,” I say honestly. “But it doesn’t matter because it can’t happen.”
“Why not?”
“Because we’re going to be working together next year. And it’s not even like that between us. He’s not into me that way. This is just him having some fun.”
“Are you having fun?” she asks carefully.
“Now that I’m not confused and questioning everything I ever thought about myself, yeah,” I admit.
“So what are you going to do?”
“I have no idea. It would be easier if he could just go back to being an insufferable asshole so I can go back to hating him.”
“And if he doesn’t revert to his asshole ways?”
“Then I have no idea,” I repeat. “Probably wait for him to get bored and move on.”
“I don’t want you to take this the wrong way,” she says, and I can hear how carefully she’s choosing her words. “But I’m not surprised that there’s something between you and Jace.”
“What? You’re not?”
“No.”
“Could you maybe elaborate?” I say. “’Cause that totally came out of left field.” I pause as something occurs to me. “Did you know that I’m…”
“No,” she says gently. “I didn’t suspect anything before you told me.”
“Oh, okay. But you’re not shocked about Jace?”
“Not really. You’ve always been a very…companionable person.”
“Companionable?”
“Like how easily you make friends and how well you get along with pretty much everyone. This rivalry or feud or whatever it is you’ve had with Jace is unusual for you, and the fact that it’s gone on for so long made me think that maybe there was more between you and the fighting and arguments were a way to express what you were feeling, even if you didn’t fully understand why you were feeling it.”
“Really?”
“Really,” she says gently. “You can’t have that kind of hatred or strong dislike for someone if you don’t care about them onsome level. Hear me out,” she says before I can interrupt and tell her I don’t care about Jace. Or at least I didn’t until recently.
“It’s completely normal to have people in your life that you dislike,” she continues. “And there will always be people out there that you clash with. But those people come and go, and for the most part, they don’t matter. Right?”
“Right,” I drawl.
“But then there are people where the dislike is so strong it bonds you to them,” she says. “Hating someone means that you have deep feelings for them. They might be negative feelings, but they’re there. And that also means that those feelings can evolve and change over time and shift from a deep dislike to a different kind of connection.”
“Maybe,” I concede. “I mean, I get what you’re saying, but I don’t think that applies here. I hated Jace because he’s an antagonistic asshole who’s spent the last two and a half years going out of his way to piss me off. That’s a little different from what you just described.”
“It is,” she says quickly. “And you’re the only person who knows for sure what you’re feeling and what’s going on. What I’m trying to say is, don’t close the door on things because you think they should look or feel a certain way. Does that make sense?”
“It does.”
“Do you feel at all better?”
“Sort of? I’m still confused AF, but I’m glad I told you.”
