Page 24 of A Damaged Soul
RHETT
Well, don't leave me hanging later. I want to know what the surprise is as well.
I shoved Graham's face away when he tried to lean over my shoulder to read my messages.
"Dude, some privacy, please."
Normally I wouldn't care if my friends saw who I was texting or what I was saying, but with Elle it was different. I wanted what we had to stay just between the two of us. Even if the only thing I could offer her at the moment was friendship.
"Since when do any of us have privacy. We're all up in each other's shit every damn day."
Graham wasn't wrong, but it wasn't like him to be so nosy either.
"Yeah, most of us but not you. What the hell is Sarah doing to you?"
Graham scowled. "She's not doing anything." I stared him down until he relented. "Fine," he huffed. "She may have mentioned that I need to stop pushing everyone away."
That made me laugh. Sarah was Graham's significant other and nearly as quiet as he was.
"And you thought I would be a good place to start this venture?"
"No," Graham scoffed. "I was going to ignore what she said, but then I walked by and saw that stupid smile on your face when normally the only time you smile is when you’re trying to make light of a situation."
"You called me mopey like I never smile. I smile."
"Uh... no. You have a fake smile when you are trying to be funny to make the rest of us laugh but a genuine smile? Hell no. I haven't seen that in years, if ever."
I wanted to argue with his assessment, but I knew it was true. I couldn't remember a time that I wasn't faking how I was feeling except now since Elle came into my life.
"So who is she, and when do we get to meet her?"
"She's just a friend and never. She's too innocent for this life."
Sadness clouded Graham's eyes, and I knew what he was going to say even before the words left his mouth.
"I used to feel the same way, and then I met Sarah."
"It's not the same, and you know it."
All the guys on the team were well aware of the stuff I went through. They knew about the dreams I had and how I felt about getting close to people. The fact that I was even still entertaining Elle and our friendship was a shocker.
"You can't punish yourself forever, Rhett. It wasn't your fault."
I got in Graham's face and hissed, "My actions got children killed. Innocent children whose only flaw was they trusted me to keep them safe."
"You were given a direct order."
"And I should've ignored it."
"Then you would've been dead." Realization dawned on Graham in that moment, and there was no stopping it. "That's what you want, isn't it? That's why you're constantly putting yourself in harm's way."
The second part wasn't a question, and I didn't bother to dignify the statement because no matter what I said, it wouldn't matter. Graham was seeing right through me.
"Does Matthew know?"
Again I didn't bother to answer. Whether my team leader knew or not, it wouldn't change how I felt. I didn't deserve to walk this world while those kids weren't able to.
"I hope like hell whoever was making you smile makes you see otherwise because, brother, you do deserve to live."
