Page 57 of Mistletoe, Mayhem & Mr. Grump
"He ate the bingo markers?" I ask, horrified.
"He thought they were those yogurt-covered raisins. Very similar texture. He's fine, just very regular now," she over shares.
"I didn't need to know that," I inform her.
"Committee meeting!" she reminds me, already scurrying away. "Bring the boyfriend! Delia has questions!"
My fingers fumble with my phone as I text Holden: Emergency committee meeting. Teddy ate bingo markers. Delia has questions. Help.
His response is immediate: That's the weirdest text I've ever received. On my way.
Ten minutes later, we're seated in the community center's ‘Chamber of Interrogation’, officially the Magnolia Room but nobody calls it that, facing Delia's latest PowerPoint.
"Is she grading our relationship?" Holden whispers, his hand finding mine automatically.
"Shhh, she'll hear you," I hiss back.
"I can indeed hear you," Delia announces without looking up from her laptop. "And yes, I'm grading you. Currently, you're at a B-minus."
"B-minus?" I protest. "We traumatized the town with our shadow puppets! That's got to be worth at least a B-plus!"
"Shadow puppets were graded separately," she informs us, clicking to a slide titled "Public Displays of Affection: A Rubric."
"She has a rubric," Holden mutters. "Of course, she has a rubric."
"I have seventeen rubrics," Delia corrects. "This is rubric number twelve."
"That's very specific," I observe.
"Specificity prevents confusion," she says, then looks pointedly at our joined hands. "For instance, your current hand-holding rates a seven out of ten."
"Only seven?" Holden asks, sounding personally offended by our hand-holding score.
"Your thumb isn't moving. Authentic couples show thumb movement," Delia explains.
We both stare at our hands. Holden immediately starts rubbing his thumb across my knuckles.
"Better. Seven point five," Delia approves, making a note.
"This is insane," I mutter.
"This is science," Giuseppe corrects from his corner, where he's been documenting everything with what looks like a court reporter's notebook. "Love science!"
"Love science isn't real," Holden says.
"Tell that to my heart!" Giuseppe insists, clutching his chest dramatically. "I believed I could make edible food through the power of love!"
"Your food sent three people to the hospital last week," June points out from her seat.
"Allegedly!" Giuseppe protests. "The correlation between my lasagna and their symptoms was never proven!"
"They had food poisoning. You were the only source of food," June says flatly.
"Circumstantial!" Giuseppe maintains.
"Can we focus?" Delia demands, pulling up a new slide. "Holden, this question is for you."
"Oh good, a quiz," he says dryly.
