Page 76 of Sins or Secrets
Mom watched that happen to me, standing a few feet away from us holding Princess, her little Pomeranian she loved more than anything.
Of course the dog got more attention than me and years later when it died she replaced it with a new one and that got more attention than me too.Those were her babies. Not me.
Maybe I’m here because my heart wonders if things could have been different that night if I’d had someone on my side.
Lilly tried to reason with Dad, but she was his sister and she was in so thick with him as it was that she was too weak.
What I needed was someone else who could counter him, speak sense to him, fight for me.
Reading that letter, and knowing that my actual mother went through so much just to see me makes me think that she wouldn’t have stood there that night and watched me suffer the way I did.
She wouldn’t have watched me in so much pain after I lost my baby and go about her days as normal with her dinner parties, talking fashion, and shit with her friends.
She wouldn’t have watched me walk down that aisle and marry Riley, who was like the fucking cherry of disaster on the cake.
I don't know Heather, but my heart tells me she wouldn't have done any of those evil things to me becauseshe sounds like a woman who would have cared for me.
Loved me.
It was what I lacked. I didn’t have anybody there that night who loved me enough to stop the evil plans my father had in place for me.
There was no one there who could push aside their own fears of what they stood to lose to do the right thing.
I watch day turn to night and it’s the light drizzle of rain that takes me back to my car.
I drive back the way I came, except I don’t want to go back to the lake house yet with the letters and memories of Lilly and the past.
I find myself pulling into town and parking by Corey’s Bar.When I step out of the car I head straight inside and sit myself down at the furthest end of the bar where there are fewer people.
I have eyes on me but that’s nothing new.I’ve noticed the stares starting to falter now with the length of time I’ve been in town.People don’t look for as long as they used to like when I first arrived.
The bartender comes up to me with a wary smile.He looks to be about in his mid to late thirties with dark spiky hair and tattoos covering his forearms.
“What can I get for you?” he asks.
“Could I have um…” What do I want?Not a cocktail. If I’m in a bar by myself, I’m drinking the hard stuff.The stuff Dad used to drink in his office late at night, possibly after he’d consumed some poor bastard’s soul.“Scotch please. Could I have a bottle.”
“Scotch?” he clarifies with one raised brow.There’s a knowing look in his eyes though that tells me he’s seen this type of mood I’m in before.I’d bet for him the sob stories are all virtually the same, it’s just the actors who change.I’m today’s actress. I’d bet though he hasn’t heard my type of story before.Nobody else had Peter Cambray for a father, or Riley Langford for a husband.
“Yes, the bottle.”
“Coming right up.”
A minute later I have my drink before me with a glass full of ice.
I drink half the bottle within ten minutes not really tasting the harsh amber liquid swirling around the glass.I just knock it back. One glass after another.
Suddenly, I’m looking at the bottom of the bottle and other than the churn in my stomach I don’t feel that much different.I’m not a lightweight, or even a medium weight.But that’s probably because it was only the hard stuff that could get my mind off the past and the present during my marriage to Riley.
It was only the hard stuff that could distract me when I knew my husband was screwing his secretary and God knows who else while I had to sit at home and wait.
I signal over the bartender who looks worried when he sees the empty bottle.
“Could I have another one please?”
“Are you sure you don’t want something like a cocktail.I can make those real nice like the fancy type they do in the clubs, or in L.A,” he answers with a hopeful smile.
I’m the last person to be rude to anyone but the mention of L.A makes me seethe.I know he was being nice but I don’t want nice tonight, or anybody for that matter.
