Page 126 of Sins or Secrets
The last time I was here I thought she couldn’t know what I’d gone through because she didn’t have the same heartbreak as me.But now I see it doesn’t matter how your heartbreaks.What matters is that it did and the ways to fix it are the same.
“Is it that simple?”
“It turns out it is. If you don’t get bogged down with the worry of things not working, you make it simple.You take one day at a time, one step at a time, or whatever you need and go from there.”
“That does sound simple.”
“It is. So as we’re talking about this, naturally, I want to ask about New York.Are your plans to leave still the same sugar?”
Over the last few days, things have been put in perspective for me in regard to the future and New York.
Logan accepted the offer on a new case yesterday and starts working next week.It’s a contract with the FBI.I was sure it was one of those secret jobs,but I knew he only told me about it because of the opportunity and the fact that the contract required him to be in North Carolina for the duration of the investigation.One year. The job was also one with a view to working with them on a permanent basis.Basically, an opportunity of a lifetime for him and the chance to take his business in a new direction.
“Yes. My plans are still the same.New York is still… where I ultimately want to be.Logan’s business is, however, down here and he’s just gotten a seriously great opportunity.His family and friends are here too.He has to stay here. It’s not right to expect anything other than that.”
“So that means, any decision on the future lays with you?” she surmises.
I nod and think of the other reason Logan told me about the job.It was because he was also impliedly telling me he wasn’t passing on the opportunity, and he shouldn’t.
The significance of that gave me a wake up call.
“It lays in my hands.”
“How do you feel about that?”
“It frightens the hell out of me, but maybe I’m crazy for thinking so far ahead.The purpose of getting back together and agreeing to this no strings attached relationship was, so we didn’t need to think.But I was thinking right from when he put the idea to me.”
“It’s not crazy. Everybody wants something good to last for as long as it can.Especially when you’re afraid.You want that surety, and you tend to want to know what will happen next to avoid a repeat of the previous pain you suffered.”
“You really understand me.”
“I totally do. I think it’s natural to think ahead.”
“I feel like I might be setting myself up for a fall.But it’s silly because I know we’re supposed to end.”
“You still love him,” she says.Warmth fills her eyes and they twinkle when she smiles.
“I do.”
“Then don’t forget that. That’s going to be relevant to what you decide to do.How you feel is going to guide your choice.”
“What if it’s not enough and I make the wrong choice?”
“That’s why you need to give yourself permission to take the time to explore what you feel for him.No restrictions, no anything.You go into the next few months with a fresh mind.Open and honest with yourself.Nobody can tell you what to do from here onwards.It’s all on you. It was the same for me when I met Dennis.”
“Was it? You look so happy together.”
“We are, but it was a rough road to get me there because I already knew what it was like to make the wrong choice when I gave you up.Only God knows how many years I wondered if I couldn’t have made a better choice and what I would have done if I kept you.I still wonder the same. Our situations are not the same, but will be similar in that feeling of loss if you truly love him.Time is one thing you can’t get back in this.”
I consider her words and allow them to sink in.
“Thank you, talking to you helped a lot.” I smile at her appreciating her and the fact I can talk to her like this.
“That’s what I’m here for. And for the record, my daughter, you look happy.That’s a good sign that your heart might not be as broken as you think it is.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re very welcome sweet girl.”
