Page 50 of Bidding on a Second Chance
She disentangled her hands from his and hugged her coat around herself.
The move felt like a rejection, and his own heart rate kicked up in response. He’d been in situations like this before, situations where he’d thought he’d done everything right, and yet he ended up alone anyway. “Please, Piper. Trust that God has the best in store for you, despite any pain—past, present, or future.”
“I wish it was as easy as choosing that. I keep trying …” Her gaze seemed hazy as it aimed somewhere below his face. At his chest, maybe? She winced and her hand disappeared behind her back, coinciding with the rattle of the doorknob turning. “I need some time. Just to …” She exhaled through pursed lips. “Can I take a raincheck on our dinner?”
The question reminded him of the dinner he’d made, the dishes still in the oven. A dark and toasty scent in the air meant he’d left the potatoes and rolls in too long when he’d abandoned them for this conversation. “That depends.”
“On?”
“I thought things were changing and you were looking forward to a future together, open to the idea of marriage and kids someday. But … are you?”
“You’re asking me this now?”
The refusal to answer cut as deeply as any response could’ve. But she was scared. Traumatized once again by her fears. If they had any chance of their relationship progressing past where it’d fallen apart last time, they needed a new approach. One he prayed the Lord would provide.
He didn’t have a whole picture yet of how that might look, but he sensed she needed to know where he stood so she could make informed decisions herself.
“I don’t need you to answer tonight, but I do need you to understand I’m not on the fence. I’m not interested in just being friends or casual dating. We’ve done that. We know where it leads, and I’m all in. I want a future with you. I want a family. I want to support each other through the ups and downs. I want to protect you in every way possible. But you have to choose those things too. If I thought for a minute that switching careers would keep you from feeling the kind of fear you experienced today, I’d do it, but only God can give you the kind of security you need.”
Tears lined her eyes. She sniffled and nodded. “That’s true. I don’t know why it doesn’t feel so simple. Why I can’t forget all these fears.”
“For one, I heard you say you thought God was turning your life around. Trusting Him to bring only the events you want into your life won’t work, because He does tell us we’ll have trouble.”
She shrugged and nodded miserably. “I know. I’ve asked Him to take my fears and help me trust, but I can’t push them away.”
Finally, a new idea occurred to him. One he prayed would bring healing and not more brokenness. “Through Him, you’re more than a conqueror. You don’t have to forget fear or push it away. Defeat it. Face those what-if questions—ask them all again, but this time, answer them too.”
Her eyes went wide, and she tensed. “You want me to dwell on worst-case scenarios?”
“Don’t dwell on the heartache. Dwell on the aftermath. Figure out where God will be in the situation, not only in the intangible ways, but also in the practical, real-world tools and support systems He’s provided for when worse comes to worst. Not that you should trust your plans over Him—He’s sovereign and sometimes He provides in ways we never could’ve anticipated. But, a lot of the time, He does work through established methods. So take the nebulous unknowns and figure out how you’d cope. Because He’s brought you through so much already, and you’ve coped, and you would do it again. Don’t lose sight of the fact that even after a trial, God can make life beautiful again.”
“But if you’d died …”
“Heaven is the most beautiful possibility of all. And for the people who are left behind, God can be in resources like estate planning and community and counseling. Often, through those things and through His word, He provides for us and heals the hurt. And even before we see that happen, He’s Emmanuel—with us through every moment of it.”
She rolled her lips together, eyes moving as though to track ideas floating between them.
“But me supplying those answers for you won’t give you the reassurance you need. Work through these questions. Be realistic about it. Pray about it. See if having answers leads you back here to me.”
She focused, her eyes a warm, multi-faceted brown he hoped he’d get to study the rest of his life. “This is an ultimatum?” The question seemed careful, not angry.
They’d really only gotten reacquainted in the last few weeks, and perhaps he was premature in forcing a decision on a committed relationship. But he’d been surprised by rejection a few too many times in his life. “I guess it is. We can regroup after Christmas.”
Her eyebrows tented. “That long?”
“Tomorrow’s going to be busy with the auction and your visit to see Ryan. I leave for Christmas with my family by eight the next morning.”
“Oh.” She wrung her hands. “So tomorrow …?”
“I’ll deliver the furniture to the high school in the morning.” He didn’t mention the auction itself, because he wasn’t sure he’d be able to stand being near her if she wasn’t his.
She gripped the railing as she made her way down the stairs. He watched until she’d safely pulled away from the curb, then returned to the kitchen and rescued the cheesy potatoes and rolls from the oven. He’d have to peel off the too-dark bits, but otherwise, everything remained edible. If only he had the heart to enjoy the meal alone when he’d meant to share it with the woman he loved.
Love.
He scrubbed his fingers through his hair. If perfect love cast out fear, his was far from perfect, or he wouldn’t keep ending up alone.
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