Page 70 of Protecting the Boundary
“Call us if you need anything tomorrow, okay? We’ll keep Kay as long as you need us to,” she says low enough so only I can hear. She glances at Meredith, then gives me a concerned look. “Maybe you shouldn’t go alone tomorrow. Maybe it’s time to take someone with you.”
She means Meredith.
I shake my head. No, tomorrow is my time alone with Sydney. I don’t need anyone else there to witness me breaking down. Larissa frowns at me, but she knows better than to question me.
As they drive off, Meredith sidles up next to me, slipping her hand in mine. It feels foreign to have someone hold my hand right now.
“I’m tired,” I say, dropping a kiss to her head, but it lacks the emotional connection I’m used to giving her. Everything feels forced tonight. I know I should explain it to her, but I can’t find the words or the energy.
FORTY-SIX
Romel was off all day yesterday, and when I woke up this morning, he seemed completely unlike himself. I know what today is—Larissa warned me, and I’m grateful she did.
I wish he’d talk to me. Truthfully, he’s been more distant ever since the dinner with my dad last week, but this is on another level.
I’m worried about him.
He grabs his keys and murmurs that he’ll be back later. I nibble my lip, hesitating for only a second before I decide on a course of action. Without second-guessing myself, I grab my keys, get in my car, and follow him to the cemetery. I don’t really need to follow him since Larissa told me all about his typical routine—every year on the day Sydney died, he goes to the cemetery alone and then comes home. Larissa suspects that he usually gets shit-faced once he’s home, but they leave him alone until he calls or comes to get Kaylee, and by then he’s pulled himself together.
I can’t imagine going through your grief alone like that. Maybe that’s why I follow him, because I want him to lean on me and know he’s not alone.
Or maybe it’s because I want to see for myself if there’s a place for me in his heart, or if it’s buried with Sydney.
I watch through my windshield as he walks sullenly across the lawn to a spot near a large oak tree. He stands there for a moment, his shoulders hunched, and then he drops to his knees, his head in his hands and his back shaking.
Tears fill my eyes and I can’t stand the distance from him anymore. I rush out of the car and to his side, dropping to my knees next to him and wrapping my arms around his back. He leans against me for only a minute before he rears back, and the devastating loss in his eyes clears and turns into confusion and anger.
“Meredith? What are you doing here?” He looks around before his accusatory gaze lands back on me. “You don’t belong here.”
I’d opened my mouth to tell him I was here for him, but any words I had die in my throat when I register what he said.
You don’t belong here.
Another tear slides down my cheeks, and it finally hits me that this is it. He either lets me in or he lets me go, but it’s not fair to either of us to stay in the in-between anymore.
“You can love us both, Romel. You know that, right? I don’t need you to act like Sydney never existed. That wouldn’t be real. She did exist and she made you the man you are and literally created Kaylee. I’m so thankful for who she was, and I know there’s room in your heart for both of us.”
More tears slide down my cheeks as my defenses crumble. This is it. My Hail Mary pass for his heart. If he can’t give me what I need, then I have to take my dad’s advice and walk away.
“I don’t care about being the woman who came after the love of your life,” I say, laying it all out there. “Maybe I should, but I don’t. All I know is I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone.”
His mouth parts in surprise as I finally say the words that have been dying to come out for weeks. His gaze darts between my eyes and his brow furrows slightly, but he doesn’t speak, so I barrel on. “I want you and Kaylee to be mine. I want to stand by your side and be your strength when you miss her. I want you to let me in, all the way in. I want you to love me.”
Pain fills his eyes, and the truth I was too in denial to see shines in his gaze.
My voice is barely a whisper when I speak. “But you won’t let yourself love me, will you? Because it would be a slight to Sydney’s memory?”
His voice is barely a croak when he speaks. “I can picture a future with you?—”
“But can youloveme? Because what’s the point of a future together if you’ll never let yourself love me? And that’s the real root of the problem, Romel. Youcouldlove me, but you won’t because you don’t know how to love two women at once. I’m not asking you to love me the way you loved Sydney. She was your first love, the woman who gave you an incredible daughter. She will always be those things to you, Romel, and I’d expect no less. But I need to know if there’s room in your heart forme? Can you love me?”
He stares at me, but no words come out of his mouth. The longer we stare at each other in silence, the more I know what I need to do, even though it’s the last thing I ever wanted. It’s not fair to do this to him today, but I can’t keep pretending.
My heart shatters in my chest as I lose any semblance of holding myself together and tears stream down my face.“I quit,” I whisper.
I quit accepting less than I deserve. I quit being a stand-in mom for Kaylee when I want tobeher mom. I quit trying because he’s made it clear I’m the only one fightingfor us.
Still, he doesn’t say anything. He stares at me like he’s frozen. And then his gaze slides to the grave marker, and my heart shrivels in my chest. I was always fighting a losing battle, wasn’t I? I never stood a chance.
