Page 40 of Exactly What I Needed
“Why not?”
“Why are you so pissed?”
“Because it was fucking incredible, and I thought I meant enough to you for you to have at least casually mentioned something like that.”
“When? When would I have had time to just casually slip in there that I can play that piece? Or that I was able to play the third movement of Beethoven’s ‘Moonlight Sonata’ at the age of eight? Before or after we got done fucking each other?”
He clenched his jaw and released my throat. “I don’t know,” he mumbled, looking away from me.
And the realization of what was going on snapped through me like a crack of thunder.
He wasn’t pissed at me; he was hurt. Hurt that he didn’t know me as well as he’d thought.
“Asher,” I whispered, and his broken gaze slowly slid to mine. “Even Sydney doesn’t know that. She knows I play the piano, but that’s it. I stick with pieces like ‘River Flows In You’ and ‘Für Elise’ around her.”
He furrowed his brows. “But why? I mean, those pieces are beautiful, but if you can play something like Duvaldi’s music, why would you just stick with those?”
Should I tell him? He’d be the first to know other than my parents. He’d be the first to know the one secret I’d carried my entire life.
“Because, believe it or not, there’s a life I lived before I met Sydney that I don’t want anyone knowing about. I like being the supporting character in her life. There’s no pressure to be anything I don’t want to be at any given moment because the attention isn’t focused on me,” I quietly replied, and Asher stepped back into my space.
Though, as the words settled on my tongue, something tinged like poison nipping at the tip. Another lie. One I’d told myself for so long, I actually believed it. At least I had until now…
He cupped my cheek, brushing his thumb back and forth. “You’re not just scared Sydney will find out about us, are you?”
I shook my head softly and pulled my lip between my teeth. Relief washed through me. All this constant reiteration of “being with Asher could hurt Sydney” was all truly a cover. While yes, it played into things, something I’d held onto as a child had subconsciously fueled everything. And for whatever reason, I finally wanted someone else to know. It was asif Ineededsomeone else to know before I exploded and lost all the control and peace in my life.
“Did you do something illegal?”
I giggled. “No, nothing like that.”
“Okay, good.” He smiled.
“Guess again,” I whispered, and he raised his other hand, pressing his palm against my lower back.
“Hmmmm.” He looked over my head for a moment. “Does it have to do with why you haven’t even told Sydney you know Duvaldi?”
“Yep,” I quietly said.
He pulled me against his body and rested his chin on top of my head. But didn’t speak, not for a while. I hoped he’d figure it out on his own, then it wouldn’t be my fault. I hadn’t told him directly, so it would merely be coincidental. All of this was so confusing.
“Duvaldi’s Concerto you played is kind of sad,” he muttered, breaking the silence with something I definitely hadn’t expected him to say.
“Not sad,” I replied, burying my face against his chest.
“No? Then what is it to you?”
“Exhaustion. Think about it. All that build up in the first act for it to just fall apart. The dissonance after the intense solo, where there wasn’t much support from the orchestra; instead, it was as if they were all fighting each other. Only for the third act to have everything crash and burn,” I explained and suddenly shot my head away from his chest in recognition.
Last year, I’d been in my second act, and now, everything was falling apart. I’d been exhausted for longer than I recognized. And one could onlyhold onto so many secrets for so long before everything imploded around them.
“What is that face for?” Asher said.
“I was tired of being in control even then!” I gasped out loud and stepped out of Asher’s embrace.
“What?”
“Even then, my subconscious was done trying to control everything. When I wrote that piece, I didn’t even realize that I was still stuck in the second act because everything—”
