Page 126 of Exactly What I Needed
“Could I come with you guys?” Asher asked, his voice tender and sweet.
I stared through the little plastic window in the shade of the stroller, attempting to read Xander’s expression as he stared in Asher’s direction. Silence followed Asher’s question, and the toddler remained still. Then Xander’s little fingers flopped onto the tray, and he blindly searched for another Cheerio as he slowly nodded yes.
Asher stood with a smile and glanced back at me. Without another word, we began walking down the sidewalk toward the apartment complex park and small duck pond. The wheels of the stroller bumping over the cracks in the concrete were the only sound filling the empty morning air around us.
“I want us to be a family,” Asher said, breaking the stillness as we rounded a corner and a green plastic slide rose in front of us. A few kids giggled on the brown swings, and feet crunched over the woodchips layered beneath the brown and gray playset.
“I want you.” He glanced my way as I remained quiet and continued to stare straight forward. “But I don’t think that’s the reason you’re quiet orsaying you don’t want to leave here. I’ve been pretty straightforward with that since finding you. I fucking love everything about you. That never changed, even when you left. Even when I found out about Xander. I never stopped loving you.”
Continuing past the playset, we rounded another corner and slowly began the gradual descent toward a row of trees and bushes that hid away the quiet duck pond. I remained silent as we followed the path into the shade and Xander squealed in excitement. A couple ducks leisurely gliding across the glassy water quacked and swam faster away from the shoreline.
Asher took a large stride forward and tipped his head down near Xander. “We’ve got to be a little more quiet, or we’ll scare them away,” he softly said.
Xander simply looked at Asher for a moment but didn’t make a sound in response. I filled my lungs and slowly exhaled. He was trying. Asher was trying to break the ice with someone he should’ve known from the day the little guy was born. Despite having every right to be mad at me, or upset, or frustrated, here he was, already putting in effort to begin having a relationship with his son. And with me.
I grabbed the baggie of seedless, cut grapes from the tray in front of me and walked over to Asher. “Here,” I quietly said and offered the food to him. His brows raised, a smile spread wide on his lips.
Asher grabbed the plastic bag from me, and I quickly slipped around him. Xander grinned in glee and clapped his hands as I knelt down and unbuckled him. “Asher here has the nummies for the ducks. Do you think you can show him how we feed the ducks?” I explained as I hoisted the toddler out of the stroller.
Xander’s brown eyes shot sideways at the tall man he’d only met this morning and then looked back at me. “I show him,” he cautiously replied.
“Thank you, buddy.” I smiled at him and tugged down his little black polo short-sleeved shirt to cover up his belly. Xander’s feet plunked against the grass but he didn’t start waddling down toward the sandy edge of the pond. Instead, he narrowed his eyes at Asher, who patiently stood without saying anything.
Then Xander turned and began the cute little toddle down to the bank of the pond. Asher quietly followed as I stepped back and pulled the stroller further away from the two of them. At first, neither of them said anything as Asher unzipped the baggie and placed a few grapes into Xander’s outstretched hand.
I watched as the ducks came gliding over and eventually a giggle left Xander’s lips as the birds dove at the treats he scattered in front of them. Asher squatted down beside our little boy, slowly handing him the grapes from the baggie, and quiet words danced across the breeze. What he said to Xander wasn’t something I was close enough to hear, but as the sun rose higher, and long after the bag was empty, even I felt the stiff tension between my toddler and his dad dissipate into the wind.
Xander stood directly next to Asher and twisted some fabric of Asher’s joggers in his little fingers. He squealed as two ducks practically ran across the surface of the water, then shot into the air. Asher pointed at the two of them leaving and said something to our son.
Time passed, but how much, I didn’t know or care as I settled onto the grass and let the warm sun beat down upon my skin. I simply watched the two of them wander along the small bank, looking at the different cattailsand brush scattered around them. At one point, Asher attempted to help Xander build some sort of sandcastle that didn’t stay upright at all. Xander laughed and stomped through the oddly shaped pile, destroying what little evidence was left of the misshapen structure.
My heart swelled as warm and sweet as honeysuckles in summer. How had I been so selfish to let Xander and Asher miss out on two years of this kind of love and joy? Yes, it was clear Asher understood why, and deep down I knew too, but there was a part of me watching this innocent scene unfold that had me wishing I could go back in time. Why hadn’t I been braver then?
If I could give Asher back just a moment of time with his son, I would do it. But I couldn’t. All I could do was give him what he was asking for now.
Asher grabbed Xander by the waist and hoisted him in the air. The little boy screeched and giggled as Asher pretended to fly him around like an airplane. He kicked his little feet, sprinkling drops of water from his wet shoes that had found the edge of the pond a few times up to this point.
I smiled, and leaned back against the palm of my hands, my ass long since numb from sitting on the ground and watching the two people I loved the most lost in their first shared moment.
Quickly digging into the pocket of my leggings on the side of my thigh, I pulled out my phone and snapped some pictures. I’d never seen Asher smiling as brightly as he did as he plopped his son on his waist and Xander clapped his hands in glee.
Then a pair of eyes met mine. Light brown, twinkling as vibrant as sunset orange, Asher’s gaze locked onto mine, and his smile deepened evenmore. I quickly took a final picture as tears misted my vision. This was exactly what I needed. This was exactly what Xander needed, and dare I assume, what Asher needed.
“Stay,” I mouthed. “Please.”
His eyes widened as his brows rose, and the music that played in my mind was the most beautiful orchestra of love and freedom. Asher carried Xander up the little pathway as I rose from the grass. He paused beside me, still holding the happy toddler. Xander tucked his head against Asher’s shoulders, and his lashes fluttered up and down slowly.
“If that’s what you want,” I quickly added.
He tipped his head as Xander grabbed a fistful of Asher’s cut-off and twisted it tightly in his hand as if in an attempt to tuck in tighter for comfort. That was what I needed to see to truly know that Asher would never use anything in our past as a weapon, that he wanted to protect us and take care of us.
“What do you want?” he asked.
I offered him a cautious smile. “You. This.” I stepped forward and placed my palm on Xander’s back. “Us as a family.”
A little hand grabbed my arm and pressed against me. “Asher hold me,” he mumbled through tired, slow breaths.
I dropped my hand from Xander’s back and looked directly at Asher. “He’s only two, though, so—”
