Page 112 of Exactly What I Needed
But the thing was, I couldn’t do this. Not again. The control that I had now was slipping away the longer this man stood in front of me. Too much had changed, and new secrets swirled around me, making his confession of desire for me after three years even more painful.
Because I still wanted him.
“You should leave,” I choked out.
His Adam’s apple bobbed. “Wh-what?”
“It’s been three years, Asher. My lawyer said… I couldn’t just… And… A lot has changed,” I quickly stammered and gestured at myself. “I’ve changed. Look at me and then look at you. My body is… is…” I choked, unable to finish what I was going to say. I ran my fingers over the subtle scars still left around my wrists and then attempted to smooth down the dress over my belly.
“Is…what?” His gaze narrowed, eye raking over me. “Beautiful? Desirable? Filled out in ways I hadn’t imagined it would in three years? I mean, you were stunning before, but now, you look like a hot mom who would pack me fruit snacks for my lunch.” He drooled, and I giggled.
For the first time in three years, I let out an involuntary giggle. I quickly slapped a hand over my mouth and looked away from the knowing smirk spreading across his lips. Lips that I wanted to kiss so badly.
It was like no time and all the time had passed between us.
Which terrified me.
“So, what? You spent three years looking for me so you could fuck me one more time?” I hissed, quickly turning defensive, and jabbed at him.
“I mean, yeah, but—”
“Oh, awesome,” I snapped. “It’s so good to know that your dick led you to me. That all I was good for, was that. Well, go on then. It’s not like I’m allowed to have any say when someone wants something from me. So, go for it.”
His eyes widened, and he stumbled backwards as my shoulders sagged. That was so uncalled for, but I couldn’t help myself.
“I’m sorry,” I muttered, and he clenched his jaw for a moment.
“Don’t apologize,” he softly replied.
“I didn’t really mean it. I just—”
“You were used for so long that now, you’re not sure what you really want. What you need,” he finished for me, and my bottom lip trembled.
I nodded, unable to speak, and he cautiously stepped back into my space. His body brushed lightly up against mine. “I’m sorry I didn’t stop it. That I wasn’t able to protect you from all of that.”
Tears rushed down my cheeks, not because he needed to apologize for anything, but because it was simply him.
Wait… Did he believe…?
I swiped the tears from my cheeks. “Is that what you’ve been thinking this entire time? That I left because I blamed you? Because I didn’t feel safe with you? That I stayed away all this time because it was your fault?”
He nodded slowly.
“It was never your fault. I left because the lawyer said I needed to for my safety. I stayed away for my safety and yours and— and to get away from the-the-the dickhead who r-r-raped me,” I stuttered. Saying it out loud to someone who wasn’t my therapist for the first time in three years was more difficult than I’d imagined, yet also kind of freeing. “You’re a public figure. It protected you from any retaliation or blackmail someone might take on you or the band. And the lawyer said cutting you out completely kept me from the girls who pretended to be my friends and then violated me in a way that I-I-I—”
“You don’t have to explain it, or describe it. I was there,” he inserted gently, saving me from pain that I wasn’t wanting to relive. I nodded rapidly, my vision blurring with tears once more.
He lifted a hand. Slowly.
Amber eyes bore into mine as his fingers trembled. I placed my palms against the desk behind me. His gaze so innocent and soft, silently begging me for a fresh start that included him. It had been three years, and maybethat was enough time… Maybe I was safe, and it would be okay… Because even if they came after me again, I was stronger now than ever before.
So, why was I acting like that same girl who died all those years ago? Especially around Asher. He had never once used me. He had never once made me feel less than or as if I had to do whateverhewanted.
And a faint note hummed in the back of my head. (26)
“What do you want now, Cosette?” he whispered, and his fingers finally connected with my cheek. He gently brushed some hair away from my face and tucked it behind my ear. “I like it, by the way. It’s shorter,” he muttered.
I closed my eyes, sinking into a touch I hadn’t realized how much I’d been missing.
