Page 68 of Safe Harbor
Ugh. Honey?That sounded condescending even to Lucy. She took another breath, trying to gain control of the conversation again. She had this all planned out in her head, but she wasn't expecting Ryan to disagree with her. She thought he would be happy that she was letting him off the hook and he could pursue other interests.
"I'm sorry. It's just…I like you, but we are on two different levels of maturity."
"Two different what?" He was staring at her now, his jaw flexing again as he tried to regain his composure. "I'm plenty mature," he said with conviction. "I've been on my own since I was eighteen."
"That was only four years ago," she said. "And I appreciate that, but I also know you still need time to figure out who you are. And you still need time to have fun before you settle down in ten years or something."
She shifted nervously on the couch, realizing her hands had started to ache from the tension she was holding in.
"You just don't fit in my world at this moment, and I don't want to come along and try to fix you. I don't want to force you to be more mature when that's not who you are right now."
Ryan pulled his eyes away from her and stared down at his hands.
"But I fit into your world when I was immature and brooding and needed your help." He looked back up at her, his eyes suddenly fiery with anguish. "So I stopped brooding and you don't need me anymore."
She shook her head. "No, that's not it at all," she said. "I'm just walking away so you can be you."
"And you're the one who thinks they know how I should be?"
"Well, I—"
"Sorry, that wasn't a question," he said. "What I meant was, you seem to think you're the one who knows how I should be."
That wasn't true, was it? No. No, it wasn't. Why couldn't he understand that she was doing this for them? And more important, she was doing this for him. He didn't want to have to be mature and hang out with the lawyer crowd at boring lawyer dinners. He didn't want to hang around with her now that she was digging into this new case that would be taking up some of her nights and pull her away from take-out dinners and watching him play hockey when the season started.
"Ryan, it's been fun, really. We had a great time, and I know we'll be friends after this."
He grunted in disapproval.
"We have to be friends after this," she said. "If anything, for Sydney and Andy."
"Sydney and Andy?" he asked. "And what about me? You're just going to be friends with me as if none of this happened?"
She put her hand on his shoulder and he flinched. It was as if he had been touched by something burning hot and he needed to pull away as soon as he could. She couldn't lie. His reaction did sting her as well. But she couldn't blame him. She was the one ending this whole thing.
"It's been really nice, but we both know this could never last between us."
"We both know that? Really?"
"Ryan."
He turned and wouldn't look at her. She couldn't blame him. She was having trouble looking at him too. She was hurting him and she didn't mean to do that. But it was what she had to do.
There was no way she could win this fight. No way she could get out of this conversation without making things even messier than they already were. Trying to explain herself anymore would just make things worse. Instead, she decided it was better to just leave now. Let him have her leftover beef with broccoli in peace. So she finally stood up, pushing herself off his plush couch that she would definitely miss.
But she would miss him more.
Lucy grabbed her purse and phone from the kitchen counter where she had left it. She stood there for just a moment, pausing to think this through. Maybe she should stay so she could try and explain this a little more to Ryan, reiterate that it wasn't his fault and this was just something they had to do. It wasn't his fault, she would tell him. It was her, she would say. It also sounded completely stupid.
Instead, she took the last few steps to his front door, pausing as she put her hand on the door handle to look over at him. He was still sitting there on the couch where she had left him, head down as he stared at his hands.
"Someday you'll see that this was the best thing for both of us."
He let out a small but bitter scoff. "Yeah, right."
His reaction stung, but she just had to remember that she was right. He would get over it. She would get over it too. But this was for the best.
Lucy pulled on the door handle and quietly let herself out. It wasn't until she was standing in the quiet hallway that she finally felt some of the tension leave her body. But the anguish remained. That wasn't fun at all, but she would get over it.
She quietly walked by Sydney's door. She didn't want to knock or "talk this out" or even rehash it all over a glass of wine with her friend. She just wanted to get out and go home. She would deal with what to do next tomorrow.
