Page 64 of My Roommate from Hell
“I’ve got to say,” says Zarmenus, “as dates go, this one isn’t too bad.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve got pizza, and I’m with a cute guy,” he says as he stuffs his face. “What more could I want?”
I fight the blush. I know he doesn’t mean anything by it; he flirtswith everyone, it’s just who he is. He doesn’t actually think I’m that cute. Or does he? What Maleilius said about us being attracted to each other rings through my mind.
“How about you?” he asks.
“What about me?”
“How does this compare to your other dates? Sorry, I mean hangouts.”
I’m presented with a choice, and I don’t like either option. I know it’s not exactly abnormal to not have dated yet, and it’s also totally fine for people who don’t want to date at all. But I do. It’s something I’ve wanted for a long time, and I’m not sure I’ll ever fully be over having my high school years be a blank slate when it comes to dating. It’s like the race has already begun for so many people and I’m stuck at the starting line.
I want Zarmenus to think I’m cool. I also don’t want to lie to him. We’re lying to everyone else, the least we can do is be honest with each other.
“I haven’t really dated,” I say.
“Oh, really?”
I nod and take a bite from another chicken tender. I mean, it’s one of those things that I’m sure is obvious to pretty much everyone. At least, it was to my friends and people who saw me around school. If I’d had a partner, they would’ve seen them. Whenever I got asked about it at school, I generally played it coy, as if I had a secret that I didn’t want them to discover. I liked the thought of people seeing me as someone who had an exciting secret side of my life.
I don’t want to project that onto Zarmenus. For one, it’s totally false. And the thought of him knowing this vulnerable, raw side of me is way more exciting than him knowing the fake version of me. Isn’t that the beauty of going somewhere new, where nobody knows your history? There is nothing stopping you from being completely honest. You’re free to reinvent as much as you want.
“Why not?” he asks.
“What do you mean?”
“Why haven’t you dated anyone?”
“It takes two to tango.”
“Yeah, but one generally needs to make the first move. Why haven’t you?”
I take back what I thought before. Yes, it is exciting that it is so difficult to predict what Zarmenus is going to say. It also leads to moments like this, where he asks a question that tips my whole world on its head.
“It doesn’t work like that.”
“I think it does,” he says. “Have you had any crushes?”
“A few.”
“But you never asked them out?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“None of them have been options, really.”
I wonder if this is a normal date conversation. I doubt it. If this were a real date, I don’t think we’d be delving into my crushes on other guys.
“Tell me about them,” he says.
“I’ve had three big crushes,” I say. I’ve told very few people about these crushes. Even Ashley only knows about the first two. “The first was on a guy called Bradley.”
Zarmenus steals a french fry from my plate. “Go on.”
