Page 31 of You Had Me at Hello World
Still, it’s been several days, and though the anger remains, it doesn’t have such a jagged edge to it. I can think around it.
She picks up on the second ring.
“Baobei?” Mom says. “It’s so good to finally hear from you. How are you?”
The naked relief makes me wince. Like. It is so, so obvious that she cares about me. Which means that I have to reconcile this version of her with the version who stood by and did nothing as her husband raged. It was easier to think of her as cartoonishly evil when we weren’t speaking.
“I’m…” I wanted to speak to someone about my sadness, but now that she’s actually here, the words die on my lips. I don’t want her to worry. I want her to think that I made it out, that I’m okay.
But I feel so behind. It isn’t even like I’m running some race and the other competitors kicked off long before thebangof the starter pistol reached my ears. It’s like I showed up expecting to compete on foot only to discover everyone else driving Formula One cars.
Somehow it feels frivolous to say all this when she’s in Chinook Shore, trapped in a hopeless marriage.
It’s scary how easy it is to get caught up in the pressures of Alpha Fellows and forget about what my life used to be like. It’s like I’ve already lost the password to an old email account.
Why did I even call her? It’s not like she’ll understand any of the details. At most she’ll tell me to work hard, keep my chin up, keep my eyes on my own paper, or some other aphorism. Maybe she’ll say tozhuajin, which translates literally into “grab tight” but means to “save time,” as if time is a bolt of silk that I could cling to for dear life.
“I’m okay,” I say. “Things are pretty busy; I should go. But I wanted to let you know that I’m doing fine.”
The distance between us feels like this tangible thing.
After we hang up, I start on homework. There’s a paper on DNS to read by tomorrow for Computer Systems, and I prop the printout on my lap. But my mind keeps wandering.
What will life be like if I don’t win?
Will Michael even let me back into the house? He told me to never return. The bruises he left on my arm haven’t faded yet.
Maybe Lola’s mom would let me crash in Lola’s old room so I can finish out senior year. I could work part-time at the Lucky Panda. Mrs. Lombardi probably has some pamphlet on colleges that might give me a full ride based on my stats…
I don’t realize I’m crying until tears splash onto the paper.
Ever since I stumbled upon College Confidential years ago,I always knew things were different outside of Chinook Shore, but it’s hard to actually be here. Surrounded by kids like Aisha and Khoi and Stella. If they don’t win this competition it’ll be a disappointment, a loss of a shiny gold star for their college apps, but let’s be real. They’ll survive. If I don’t win, I don’t know where I’ll go in September.
There’s a knock.
“Yeah?” I call, swiping at my eyes.
“Char?” It’s Khoi.
I swing my legs off my bed and open the door.
“I was looking for Aisha?”
“Haven’t seen her all day.” She wasn’t in class, either. She’s evaporated. “Have you tried texting her?”
“She doesn’t—” Khoi pauses. “Uh, it’s fine. Why aren’t you at the tour with everyone else?”
I shrug. I don’t want to explain how awful I feel. “Why aren’t you?”
“My family is from Boston, so I’ve walked the Freedom Trail before.” He peers at my face, which is still sticky with drying tears. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, fine.” It’s my default answer.
“Are you sure?”
I’m about to brush off his question, but then I pause. What’s so bad about confiding in Khoi? He’s been nothing but super nice. I’m the one who failed to defend him when other kids were talking shit. He deserves some honesty.
He’ll judge you for your struggles, a small, nasty voice whispers.Look at how accomplished he is. In comparison, you’ve done jack shit. You really want to give him more reason to look down on you?
