Page 53 of Wilder at Heart
‘I know that. It’s just that, for me, sex is something I equate with a loving relationship. With feeling?—’
He groans. ‘Don’t say it.’
‘—safe.’
Like with Jonathan, when he held me in his arms, and gazed at me with those gorgeous baby blues, and the intimacy and connection of it felt like nothing I’d ever known. I don’t want some poor imitation of that, thank you very much. It would be too depressing. I’m sure it would leave me flat.
He slaps his hand over his face before dragging it downwards. ‘So you haven’t fucked anyone since you broke up with Jonathan?’
I flinch. ‘Obviously not, because I haven’t dated anyone else. And I don’t like that word, by the way.’
‘Fuck? You use it enough.’
‘I don’t like it as a verb.’ I shrug my shoulders defensively. ‘I find it… confronting.’
He grins. ‘Do you, now. Well, I find it hot. But okay. So you haven’t got laid since Jonathan. When was that?’
‘Seven months ago.’
He whistles. ‘Jesus. No wonder you’re uptight. You should let someone take care of you. As in, not hearts and flowers, but you just need a good f—shag. Y’know?’
‘I’m doing just fine, thank you.’
‘You’re not, baby. You’re wound tight like a fucking spring. And you know what that means.’
I sigh at his dirty grin. ‘I’m sure you’ll enlighten me.’
‘Itmeanswhen you let go, you’ll fucking explode.’
‘I can take care of my needs just fine, thank you.’
‘I’m going to park that visual just now, because I can’t handle it, but it’s not the same. You need someone who knows what they’re doing, and you’ll go off like a firework.’
He swallows.
I swallow.
‘And I really think that person should be me.’ He holds my foot with one hand and moves his other hand up my calf. Squeezing. Kneading. In a physio, rather than a sexual, way, but it feels bloody good.
Right. I need to take control of this conversation. Show him where I really stand, so he’ll get the message.
‘Look. You’re a gorgeous-looking guy, Theo. Obviously. And yes, I’m attracted to you. Very attracted. I think I gave that game away last night. But I’m not interested in what you’re offering, because even though I can tell you’d beverygood at what you do, I don’t just want sex.’ I take a breath, bracing myself. ‘Jonathan’s the only person I’ve ever slept with. Okay? He’s—I lost my virginity to him, and I still love him, and I love what we had. And I’m not giving up on it. And I don’t want to sully that by having casual sex with anyone else. Even you. It’s not my style. I’m sorry.’
Theo shifts forward in his seat, and my toe touches the fabric of his shorts. Oh, Lord. Too close. He pulls off his cap and glares at me while he squeezes my ankle.
‘Jonathan Holmes is the only bloke you’ve ever shagged.’
‘Yeah. That can’t be a huge surprise to you—we were together nine years.’
He rakes his hand through his damp, messy hair and looks heavenward. ‘Jesus fucking Christ. I don’t want to be that guy, but you get that he’s got a new girlfriend? Right? He’s shaggingTit Wank Barbie every chance he gets right now, and he has you pining after him and offering to staycelibateon the off-chance he changes his mind and comes back to you for more. Have some self respect and stop being such a fucking martyr.’
My eyes fill with tears and I clench my jaw so hard I may break teeth.
‘You’re such a dick. Let me go. You know I want to get back with him. You know that’s my end game.’
‘I’m not letting you go. Listen to me. I know what you want. Don’t worry, I’m not offering to be your Mr Safety with a Georgian rectory and a fucking AGA. I’m just saying he doesn’t deserve for you to put your life on hold. You have needs. You’re gorgeous. I find you so sexy I can barely function around you.
‘You’re a beautiful woman, sweetheart, and even if you want to spend the rest of your life with Mr-I-Fuck-Like-a-Carthorse, which by the way is a fucking travesty, you should consider trying a few things out beforehand. So you know what you’re missing. So you know what’s out there, before you ride off into the sunset with him for a second time.’
