Page 80 of Santa Has a Six-Pack
“Sure.”
“Your positivity is not annoying. It’s great. Honestly, I wish I had more of it myself.”
“You have plenty,” I say softly.
My eyes are drawn then to the empty corner of my apartment. The one I cleared in anticipation of finally getting myself a Christmas tree. But it’s almost mid-December, and I still haven’t allowed myself to do it.
“Can I say something really shitty now to counteract all my usual positivity?” I ask.
“Yes, please!” she says, sounding relieved. “I was starting to forget who I was for a moment!”
“Brace yourself, friend. It’s terrible.”
I’m keeping the vibe light right now for Penny’s sake, but a pit is forming in my stomach at the idea of saying this next thing out loud.
“Hit me.”
She waits patiently for me to speak.
“I would do anything to take this disease away from her,” I say.
“Of course you would. What’s so terrible about that?”
“I didn’t get to the terrible part yet.” I clear my throat. “My, uh, my mom’s Alzheimer's… It’s actually been good for us.” I quickly explain, “I mean, I hate what she’s going through—of course I do—but in some ways, it feels like she and I are getting a do-over on our relationship. We have this… clean, or a cleaner slate? At least now, when she tells outlandish stories, I know it’s because she’s confused. Not because she’s trying to hurt me.” I pause. “Hell, maybe she never was trying to hurt me. Maybe she always had something going on that my dad and I didn’t understand.”
Penny is quiet on the other end, just listening.
“Anyway, I feel closer to her now than I ever have. It’s a gift I wasn’t expecting, I guess.”
I sit in the silence for a moment.
“You think I’m awful?”
“No,” she says. “Absolutely not. However you feel is totally valid. There’s no shame in finding the silver lining in an otherwise impossible situation. Your mom is really lucky to have you.”
I sigh. “Thank you, Penny. And thank you for what you said before about my—what did you call it? My journey?”
She snorts. “I believe I said path, Matt. If I start using the word journey, then I will have officially been lost to the toxic positivity side, and you should have an intervention for me.”
“Got it. I will have Keira and Dottie on standby,” I laugh. “For what it’s worth, my path and I appreciate you.”
We fall into another moment of silence, but nothing about it feels awkward. And neither of us seems ready for this conversation to end.
“Permission to change the subject drastically?” I ask.
“For such a bold person, you ask for permission a lot.”
“Do I?”
“You do,” Penny says. “And permission granted.”
“You have a Christmas tree!?”
She chuckles. “You sound surprised.”
“Honestly, I kinda am!”
“You think I’m super grinchy, huh?”
