Page 17 of Santa Has a Six-Pack

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Santa has a six-pack. Unh-unh!

Santa has a six-pack!

* * *

Let yourself scream, babe,

Don’t ever hold back,

’Cause Santa! Has! A six-pack!

Eugene told me during our earlier rehearsal that the chorus makes no sense, but it just feels right to me. And I firmly believe you shouldn’t argue with your art.

As I prepare to enter a series of handstand walks, I glance at Penny again. Shockingly, she still doesn’t seem sold, so I rise into my handstand and make a game-time decision to improvise the next verse.

¡Feliz Navidad, yo!

Joyeux Noël!

Cozy up to Santa!

’Cause he’ll really ring your bell!

Dottie oohs and aahs as I walk on my hands. It’s just the encouragement I need to bring this thing home.

He’s flexible and funny.

He’ll make you swoon and make you laugh.

And this Santa’s so strong…

He’ll break your ass in half!”

Penny leaps to her feet. “I THINK WE’VE SEEN ENOUGH!”

I’m still in my handstand, but with my legs spread wide.

Shit.

Probably should’ve stayed on script.

It’s also possible I took things too far when I opened my legs in a straddle on the ‘break your ass in half’ line. Yeah, in hindsight, I have some immediate regrets about that.

I lower my legs to the floor and stand right side up again, the blood draining from my face.

Eugene presses stop on our beats.

The room falls silent, except for the sound of my labored breaths. I’m in shape, but it’s not every day I rap and exercise at the same time.

I open my mouth, fully prepared to apologize for taking things too far, when Dottie rises and starts a slow clap.

Keira rises to her feet as well and joins the clap.

Well, I’ll be damned. It’s a standing ovation. It’s a two-person standing ovation. Penny stays firmly in her seat, her jaw dropped open in disbelief—but still, it’s something.

Then Dottie gifts me with a Christmas miracle.

“Congratulations, Matt,” she says. “You’ve got the job.”

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