Page 102 of Santa Has a Six-Pack
I feel the energy shift as she sits on the floor directly in front of me, her knees touching mine.
“Now what?” I ask.
“Hold your hand out,” she says.
I do, and she places something gently on my palm.
I move the object around, trying to figure out what it is. “What is this?”
“You can open your eyes.”
The second it registers, I crack up.
“It’s a spicy nectarine ornament,” she says.
“Of course it is!”
The little round-ish object is a peachy color… with tiny jalapeño peppers hand-painted on it?
“DID YOU CRAFT FOR ME!?” I yell.
“Alright, simmer down, Barbera,” she says. “Yes, I crafted for you, but only because this started out as some kind of apple figurine. I needed to change the red color to orangey-peachish. Then I didn’t think you’d get the joke unless I added the spicy peppers on it too. And, of course, I needed to affix a ribbon to it so you could actually use it as an ornament and hang it on the tree.”
“I fucking love it,” I say, looking deep into her bottomless brown eyes.
“I’m glad.” She beams. “We’re not done, though. There are two more.”
I close my eyes again, feeling like the luckiest guy in the world right now.
She places another ornament in my hand. “It’s a little dude?” I guess.
She laughs. “A little fireman dude, yes.”
I open my eyes to find a tiny fireman wearing a mini Bossfit Brooklyn T-shirt, which Penny apparently painted on as well.
“I love it!” I say. “But… I don’t get it.”
“You don’t get it?”
I wince. “Sorry, I don’t.”
“It’s you as a fireman, because you put out crotch fires.”
I laugh my ass off at that. “Do I put out crotch fires? Or do I get them started?”
“Gross, Barbera.” She gives me a playful shove. “Alright, last one.”
I close my eyes for a final time, and she places one more ornament on my palm.
I open my eyes. “A miniature six-pack of beer with mini-Santa hats on each can?”
“Because of ‘Santa Has a Six-Pack!’” she says. “I have to say, I hated myself for loving that ridiculous performance.”
“What can I say, baby? When you got it, you’ve got it,” I boast and attempt a repeat performance of some of my best moves from that audition.
“I think we’ve seen enough, sir.” Penny uses a classic audition phrase that actors hear way too often and places a hand on my chest.
I place my hand over hers, and the mood shifts dramatically.
