Page 88 of Santa Has a Six-Pack
“Come on, Penn. You know, I think you’re sexy.”
She smiles.
The sweetest, sexiest smile.
“I think you’re sexy too,” she says softly.
“Boom! Wow! Yes! There she is!” I cheer.
“Alright, Barbera. Don’t get too excited now.” She pats a hand on my face while she drives, and I don’t know why I find that so hot. “That can’t come as too much of a surprise,” she says. “I mean, you do remember the Santa’s House incident, don’t you?”
“Penny, there’s rarely a moment when I’m not thinking about the Santa’s House incident. Is that what we’re calling it, though? An ‘incident’?”
She chuckles. “That’s what I’m calling it.”
“Personally, I’d call it the hottest encounter of my life, but tomato-tomahto, I guess. Hey, remind me why we haven’t engaged in more incidents of that nature since then?”
“I think you’d have to ask yourself, sir. After all, you were the one who pulled up your own pants when I was about to give you a blow job.”
Well fuck.
“You know, when you say it like that, I sound like a real schmuck. By the way, is it too late to get a rain check on that blow job?”
She laughs, but something tells me this isn’t the time for jokes.
I take a deep breath and let it out.
“Yeah, so let’s talk about it.” I put the ham down on the floor of the car.
“Wow, the ham is on the floor!” she jokes. “This must be serious.”
“It is,” I say softly.
She waves a hand in the air. “Matt, no. We don’t have to talk about this.”
“I think we do! Listen, it’s no secret that I like you. I think I’ve made that pretty clear, no?”
She sighs. “I guess so, yeah.”
“Well, that doesn’t happen very often for me.”
“Please.” She takes her eyes off the road for a second to glare at me. “You flirt with everybody.”
“I’m friendly to everybody,” I correct. “But I only flirt with you. From the moment I saw you at that ridiculous audition of mine, I’ve only had eyes for you.”
“Hmm,” she says, like she doesn’t believe me.
“It’s true!”
“How about the hundreds of women you’ve had on your lap this month?”
“Penny, there was only one woman on my lap this month who I wanted to be there. And I’ll be honest with you. Those horndog Christmas ladies scare me.”
“And I don’t?”
“Oh no, you scare the shit out of me. But for a completely different reason.”
She doesn’t respond to that. She just keeps driving, her eyes straight ahead.
