Page 8 of Santa Has a Six-Pack
“No. I don’t think you can.”
Her eyes fill with tears.
What the heck is going on here?
“You know,” I say gently. “We’re building a really great community here. If you ever want to join us for that free trial class I mentioned, we would love to have you. Lots of people get the blues this time of year. Me included. In my experience, exercise can definitely help.”
I take one of our flyers from the sign-in desk and hand it to her. I know this isn’t the right time for self-promotion, but I’m not sure how else to help this sad woman.
She graciously accepts the flyer and peruses it. “Thank you. It looks great, but I don’t even live in this neighborhood. I’m in Murray Hill.”
“No way! I teach in Murray Hill! I’m a phys ed teacher at PS44.”
“My kids go there!” Keira smiles for the first time since she entered the building. “They’re second graders. Triplets. Sutton, Sloane, and Sylvan Klaus?”
“Sure! I know the Klaus kids! They’re awesome! And what a fun last name. Especially this time of year.”
“I thought you looked familiar,” she says. “You’re the teacher who did that Consensual Dodgeball demonstration at Back to School Night, right? Mr. Barbera?”
“That’s me!” I drop my voice to a more serious tone. “Too many of us have recurring dodgeball nightmares from our childhoods. I’ll be damned if I keep that fear flowing for the new generation. That bullshit cycle stops with me.”
She chuckles. “An admirable mission. We parents salute you.”
“I salute you, lady! Those are some energetic triplets you have there. How do you do it?”
Her eyes go sad again. “I honestly have no idea.”
“How about I try to tire them out with some extra jumping jacks next time I see them? Would that be helpful?”
She smiles. “Very helpful, yes.” She nods toward the door. “Speaking of the kids, I need to get home and relieve my sitter.”
“Go, go!” I say. “Unless you want me to relay some kind of message to Eugene?”
She shakes her head. “No, I think it was a mistake to—it’s best that I just… go.”
“Okay. Well, a pleasure meeting you, Keira.”
“You too—Matt, was it?”
I nod.
“Nice to meet you, Matt.”
She starts to leave, but stops again at the door. She turns to face me.
“This may be weird, but… I work at Herald’s Department Store and we’re having an event this weekend. More of an audition really…” She roots around in her purse and pulls out a flyer of her own. “Here. I think you’d be perfect for it.”
“The World’s Fittest Santa Contest,” I read out loud. “Ha! That’s funny.”
“Lucrative too,” she says. “The winner gets ten-thousand dollars plus a sponsorship opportunity from Kingpin Fitness.”
“Ten-thousand dollars!?” I shout. “And Kingpin Fitness makes the best glute ham developers out there! We could use a few more GHDs here.” I rapidly scan the contest requirements, and a plan is already forming in my head.
“Come see us on Saturday then.” She smiles, all signs of her previous sadness gone. “Maybe you could be our lucky winner!”
“Ho, ho, ho! Thank you for the opportunity!” I slip into my best Santa voice, which is admittedly pretty awful. I clear my throat. “I’ll work on the voice before Saturday.”
“Sounds good.” She laughs. “I’ll see you then.”
