Page 32 of Santa Has a Six-Pack
“Foam roller. Like this guy here. Here. You can borrow it.”
He grabs a long, thick foam tube thing leaning against the wall. He places the object on the floor, sits on it, then proceeds to gyrate on top of it. “You wanna give those thighs a little bit of this.” His pelvis juts forward and back, up and down, over and over as he demonstrates the rolling motion. “Damn, that feels good,” he moans. “You’ll fucking love it.”
“I’m sure I will,” I say under my breath.
“What was that?”
“Roll my ass on some foam. Got it!” I grab the roller from him. “Thank you for this. Keira, I’m gonna go if we have everything we need.” I jut my thumb toward the door.
“I’m right behind ya, baby!” Keira smiles as she watches the footage on her camera, clearly pleased with what she captured.
“Yeah, I should probably wrap up anyway,” Matt says. “Gotta rinse off, then head over to school. First big meeting this afternoon to prep for the holiday show.”
“Penn-Penn, did you hear the news? Matt is directing the kids' holiday show at PS44.”
“Why on earth would I have heard that ‘news ’?” I throw an oversized T-shirt over my red sports bra. When Keira is up to no good, she always calls me Penn-Penn, so my spidey senses are immediately tingling.
“Matt, Penn-Penn is awesome with kids. You should see her with her little niece and nephew. They adore her.”
Yeah, she’s definitely up to something.
“That’s nice,” he says. “I’m an only child, so I miss out on the being-an-uncle thing. Though Gene here has a whole litter of niblings, he occasionally brings me along for the ride. It’s important to hang with youngins.’ Keeps me from becoming an asshole.”
“What’s a nibling?” I ask, despite my deep desire to get the hell out of here.
“Gender neutral term for nieces and nephews,” he says with a ‘duh’ tone to his voice. “Niblings! I love my honorary niblings. And of course, my students.”
“Penn-Penn, why don’t you co-direct the school holiday show with Matt?” Keira blurts out of nowhere.
“Excuse me?” I squeak at the same time Matt says, “What?”
“Matt needs a co-director. Didn’t you say you need a co-director, buddy?”
Oh, they’re buddies now? When did that happen?
“Yeah, but– ” Matt starts.
“Well, Penny loves kids too, and she has tons of performance experience, so you two should direct the show together!” Keira chirps.
Gosh, Keira is positively filled with bright ideas for my life while hers is falling apart. That sounded mean. Correction: her life isn’t falling apart. I know she’s going to be just fine. Eventually. But she does currently seem to be meddling in my love life as a way of distracting herself from the trouble in her own. When I get her alone, I will— gently— give her a piece of my mind.
“You know what? Your energy could be just what I need for this show.”
“What kind of energy is that?” I ask.
He considers my question, like he’s trying to find just the right word. “Angsty?”
“You’re writing an angsty Christmas pageant?” I ask.
“Hm. Angsty might be the wrong word. The working title is ‘Holiday Schmoliday: a Shmorgasboard of Joyful Song.”
He’s kidding, right?
“Sass,” he continues. “Sass is the word I’m looking for.”
“Oh my gosh, this is perfect!” Keira squeals. “Penny is the sassiest! And she was in the Holiday Spectacular in Rock Center! No one knows more about Christmas pageant shit than her!”
Matt’s mouth drops open. “You were one of those sexy kickline dancer girls?”
