Page 11 of Santa Has a Six-Pack
Oh boy.
“On the casting call, we specifically said that all auditioners need to be at least twenty-one years old…”
“Mm-hmm. Yup!” Jim squeaks. “That’s me! I’m twenty-one years old, alright! I just look super youthful. Cool, so… would you like to see my abs?” He moves his hand to his fluffy red coat.
“No!” I shout, startling the poor kid. I lower my voice to a more acceptable level. “I mean… no thank you.” I pause. “My apologies, but it seems we missed a crucial part of our check-in process. Would you mind showing us your ID?”
“Uhhhhhh. My mom’s holding my wallet in the hallway. Should I go and get it from her?”
“That won’t be necessary.” I break the news to him as respectfully as I can. “I’m sorry, Jimmy, but we can’t audition you today.”
“Awwww! Whyyyyy?” he whines. “I’m fifteeeeeeen! If I’m old enough to work at the movie theater, I’m old enough to let ladies sit on my lap in a Santa suit!”
“Inaccurate.” I point at the door. “Happy Holidays to you and your mother.”
Jimmy’s face screws up in anger. “I hope your Christmas sucks! All of you!” He stomps out of the room, letting the door slam behind him.
“Well,” Dottie says, “he seems like a nice boy. Shall we welcome in our next auditioner?”
I drum my knuckles on the table, determined to keep these proceedings positive. “Yes, let’s! Who’s next?”
Keira opens the door and checks the clipboard. “Stanley Steamer,” she announces.
“The man’s name is Stanley Steamer?” Dottie hisses at me.
“Yes! ‘Tis I, Stanley Steamer!” A man in his early seventies makes a grand entrance into the room. He’s wearing a long red trench coat and heavy black boots with huge silver buckles. He holds a shiny green present with a gold glittery bow.
“Well, hello, Stanley… uh, Steamer, was it?” I say.
“That’s correct,” he says proudly.
Dottie chimes in. “Is, um, is Stanley Steamer your legal name?”
“No, ma’am. ‘Tis my stage name.”
“Oh, so you have stage experience then,” I say. “That’s wonderful. Where do you perform?”
“Wherever I’m needed, miss,” he says without elaborating further.
“How mysterious,” I joke, but his face remains deadly serious. “Do you, uh, do you have a fitness demonstration for us today?”
“Do I ever.” He flashes a mischievous grin.
I’m starting to get a bad feeling about this one.
“Great!” Keira smiles tightly. “Lots of auditioners waiting, so hop to it, Mr. Steamer.”
“Eager, are we, miss?” He licks his lips. “Don’t you know good things come to those who wait?”
Okay, I’m getting a really bad feeling now.
Keira’s face twists in displeasure, but she doesn’t respond.
Stanley continues, “Before I demonstrate my unique fitness abilities, I need some assistance from you beautiful ladies.” He approaches us at the table and lays the green box down with a flourish. “Could someone do me the honor of unwrapping my gift?”
“Sure!” Dottie says with her usual charm. “Like this?” She takes hold of the gold ribbon and gives it a tug.
“Good girl,” he rumbles. “Santa Steamer approves. Harder, honey. Pull it harder.”
