Page 45 of Bringing Home the Bacon
“Brace yourself, buddy,” I say.
“You’re not a vegetarian, are you?” Diane asks.
“No,” he says. “Why?”
“They may have gone a little overboard with—Well. You’ll see.”
The moment we open the door, we are swarmed by a sea of Bedds in red and white stripes. There is a chorus of “You’re here!” and “Welcome to Bedd Fellows Farm, Bacon!” and an unfortunate “Way to knock up my sister, sir!”
“First of all, what are you all wearing?” I wince and block my eyes with my forearm. The stripes are blinding me.
“Gran thought it would be nice if we wore matching holiday jammies this year,” Alex says with practiced and painful enthusiasm. He and Ethan are bulging out of their too-small pajamas, looking like giant, uncomfortable barber poles.
“She did?” I whip my head left and right, looking for the Gran in question.
She emerges from the crowd, wearing her own striped cotton pajamas and carrying two additional folded sets in her hands. “With my first great-grandbaby on the way, I thought it was the perfect time to start some new traditions.”
“Wow. That’s… Okay, cool,” I stammer.
“These are for you.” She hands a small pair to me. “And these…” She hands an extra-large set to Bacon.
“Thank you, ma’am.” Bacon smiles warmly at my grandmother as he takes the pajamas. “And thank you for welcoming me into our home.”
“And into our sister’s vagina,” my twin murmurs.
“Sam-Dan! Geezuz!” I scold, right as Diane gives him that “cut it out” gesture people do across their throats. “Were you also the one who said ‘Way to knock up our sister, sir’ when we walked in just now?”
“You know I don’t always get social cues right!” Samuel says. “I’m trying over here, Sis.” He turns to the man next to me, who is stifling a laugh. “My apologies, Bacon.”
“Not a problem, Sam. I’m thrilled to meet you.”
They shake hands, which quickly turns into an awkward backslapping bro-hug of sorts I’ve never seen my brother do.
Diane leans over and whispers, “He’s trying new things.”
“I can see that,” I murmur, then raise my voice. “Everyone? This is Bacon.”
“Hi, Bacon!” they answer with a cheery choreographed wave.
“Hi… everyone,” he answers and gives a small wave of his own.
“Okay, you guys have to stop with the creepy unison stuff. Let’s just get it all on the table so we can shake off the awkwardness and have a nice night, shall we? Bacon? This is my family. You met Gran. Ethan goes with Lia, Alex goes with Molly, Sam goes with Diane?—”
“Like on Cheers?” Bacon says cheerfully.
“Yes, like on Cheers,” I answer quickly and keep powering through. “There’s also Jackson, who—as far as I know—is single.” I turn to my brothers. “Should we be expecting a video call from Jackson for this family meeting as well?”
“No,” Ethan says. “He couldn’t make this one.”
“Darn!” I say sarcastically. “I guess one of you will have to fill him in on whatever happens tonight, then.”
“I’m already assigned to that task,” Samuel says.
“Fantastic. Wouldn’t want anyone to be uninformed. And this…” I use presentational arms like I’m a beautiful model on a game show, making sure the contestants all see the prize they’re competing to win. “…is Bacon. His birthname is Harold Hotman, but we don’t use that name because it reminds him of his deadbeat dad, Harold Hotman Senior.”
“Oh dear,” Gran says and covers her mouth.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper to Bacon. “Was that too harsh? I’m trying to get us through this as painlessly as possible.”
