Page 31 of Bringing Home the Bacon
“Well, how in the world did that happen?”
“Sex, Gran,” I sink deeper into the cushions and cover my eyes. “Typically, pregnancy is the result of sex.”
Gran huffs. “You think I’m in the dark about sex, missy? I’ll have you know that in our twenties, your grandfather and I were quite the exhibitionists. One time, after hours at the county fair, we got on the back of Old Man Tiddy’s tractor, and when your grandaddy was good and ready, he pounded?—”
Ethan places a hand on Gran’s shoulder. “I am so sorry to interrupt you, Gran, but I really can’t handle hearing you complete that sentence.”
“I was simply going to say your grandfather pounded the tractor hood and got the engine working again,” she says matter-of-factly.
“Oh, thank god,” my brothers collectively sigh.
Gran continues, “But after that, he made gentle yet vigorous love to me under the moonlight.”
For the first time today… I laugh. Once I start, I can’t stop. I laugh, and I laugh, and I laugh. Before I know it, I’m in full hysterics.
“Are you, uh… Are you okay?” Alex asks.
“I’m great! Terrific! You gotta hand it to me! When I do something, I really do it, don’t I? I set out to be wild for one day. Well, what’s wilder than getting knocked up the first time you attempt a one-night stand?”
In a show of sisterly solidarity, Lia, Molly, and Diane surround me on the couch. I rest my head on Molly’s shoulder.
Gran sinks into her favorite chair as well and stares into the distance, trying to process this new development, I’m sure. However, my brothers remain standing, like they’re ready to march into battle for me.
Ethan clears his throat. Then he clears his throat again. “I’m trying to stay calm and not get all ‘big brothery’ here. But, uh— I think I can speak for all three of us when I say?—”
“Who the hell is the father?” Alex asks for him.
At that moment, music swells from the television, and we turn in unison.
It feels like everything goes into slow motion, and I’m hovering above my body, watching it all happen.
Bacon is crowned the winner of Yes, Chef! Season One. Confetti flutters all around him. The producers present him with a check that has more zeros than I’ve ever seen in my whole life. I know I’m imagining it, but when he looks directly into the camera, I swear he’s staring straight into my soul.
“That ‘sexy Bacon boy’ right there,” I say, pointing at the screen. “Harold Hotman is the father.”
Chapter 11
Colleen
The next morning, a note slides under my bedroom door saying:
Bedd Family Meeting
Time: Eight a.m. sharp.
Location: Gran’s Kitchen
Topic: Colleen’s Condition
Dear lord, they’ve called a breakfast meeting. Or more specifically, Ethan called a breakfast meeting. I’d know his chicken scrawl handwriting anywhere. He’s also the only one old-fashioned enough to call my pregnancy a “condition.” He’ll get an earful about that from me later.
After the news broke last night, there were lots of “I still don’t understand how Colleen could be pregnant!” and “Last I checked, Colleen doesn’t even date!” I nipped the chaos right in the bud and locked myself in my room for the night, telling them this was my business, and I’d deal with it myself. That didn’t stop them from whispering and conspiring in the kitchen for a full hour after I made my dramatic exit. They should know by now that sound travels in this house.
I take my time showering and dressing and purposely arrive five minutes late to this so-called family meeting. When I enter the kitchen, Gran and my brothers are already seated at the table, totally silent.
“You all stopped talking as soon as you heard me coming,” I say, hovering above the empty seat meant for me.
“No, we didn’t!” they say in unison, seeming to surprise themselves. Then Ethan purposefully lifts a hand like he’s signaling an orchestra, and they all say, “Sit. Eat.” Their plastered-on smiles and singsongy voices freak me out.
