Page 29 of Bringing Home the Bacon
Baabara turns her back on me and wanders to the entrance of her enclosure.
“Good idea, good! You stay on the lookout and let me know if anyone’s coming.”
I take the cap off the blue plastic contraption. “I will simply pull down my pants… pop a little squat here, and… pee on this stick! Haha! I did it!” Another breeze whips past. “Dammit, it’s cold out here. We need to get you some space heaters, girl!”
I re-cap the test and place it on the ground next to me. I’m about to pull my pants back up when I realize the gap in my plan. “Hey, Baabs—I mean, Baabara, you don’t happen to have tissues or toilet paper out here, do ya?” With the way my grandmother coddles this animal, it wouldn’t surprise me. I scan the enclosure, and the only thing that could sorrrrrrrt of solve my problem… is hay.
“A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.” I grab a handful of hay and dab as best as I can. I’m applying hand sanitizer from my purse right as a loud burst of laughter spills from the house. Ugh. They’re still watching that show. But wait. Why would their voices be so loud unless…
“Oh my god, the door is open!” I say out loud. I realize my mistake before the words fully exit my mouth.
In a move that proves Baabara truly does understand English, she skitters a few feet toward the farmhouse.
“Baabara, no!” I scold. In a surprise maneuver, she shuffles the few feet back to me, almost like she’s weighing the decision on whether to be a good sheep or a bad sheep.
She decides to be the worst sheep.
Baabara seizes the little blue test in her teeth and hauls sheep ass to the front door.
“Baarbara, no!” I shout again, more desperate this time. I try to chase her but trip over the jeans still around my ankles. By the time I pull them up, Baabara is already nudging open the flimsy aluminum storm door.
“SHEEP!” my brother Ethan bellows from inside the house. I’d know his disapproving wail anywhere. This isn’t the first time Baabara has barged her way into the house. And it likely won’t be the last. But as far as I know, it is the first time she’s brandished a weapon of sorts.
I fly into the house, literally on her tail, but the sheep won’t be deterred. She’s bouncing off furniture, running through people’s legs and generally creating as much mayhem as possible.
“Someone didn’t tug the door until it clicked!” Alex accuses the room. “How many times do we have to say it? You must tug the door until it clicks!”
“Was it me? Oh my gosh, I think it was me!” Diane shouts guiltily. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know I had to tug the door until it clicked!”
“It’s okay, sweetheart,” Sam says and wraps an arm around her, shielding her not only from the sheep but also my older brothers’ wrath. They hate when Baabara gets in the house.
“No, Sam. It’s not okay!” Ethan yells while trying to outmaneuver the animal and corner her. She eludes him every time.
I faintly register that Yes, Chef! is still blaring from the TV screen. As usual, I avoid looking at Bacon. It hurts too much.
Cool as a cucumber, Gran rises from the sofa and says, “Boys. Baabara is feeding off your energy. If you calm down, she’ll calm down. And Ethan? Apologize to Diane this instant. She’s new to the family and made an honest mistake.”
Ethan sighs. “My apologies, Diane. There are only so many times I can tolerate this wooly mammoth shitting on my shoes.”
“Understood.” Diane nods.
Baabara continues to ricochet through the living room. She veers dangerously close to Gran’s china cabinet, but Lia and Molly join hands just in time, creating a two-person human barricade. They start a gentle chorus of “Shh, shh, shh, shh,” which calms the sheep immediately and saves a century of Bedd family china from crashing to the floor.
“Well done, Lia and Molly,” Gran praises softly. “See, boys?” She turns a sharp eye to Ethan and Alex. “Notice how cool and calm your paramours stayed in the face of a would-be crisis? All while you two ran around like chickens with their heads cut off.” She sighs and shakes her head. “If you want something done, ask a woman.”
My grandmother gets settled in her favorite chair and turns up the volume on the TV. Baabara curls up at her feet like a pet dog. “Gather ’round, everyone! This is a big night on my show. They’re announcing the winner any minute. Oh, I really hope it’s my sexy Bacon boy.”
“Your sexy Bacon boy?” I squeak.
Sam laughs. “Yeah, Gran has it bad for the one with the beard.”
I fight the new wave of nausea threatening to overtake me. I’ve thrown up enough today. Surely, it can’t happen again? All I know is I need to get out of here asap, and I’ve gotta take that pregnancy-test-stealing sheep with me.
I tap my grandmother lightly on the shoulder. “Gran? I’ll get Baabara settled outside.”
“Oh, it’s you,” she says with a touch of passive aggression. “Since when do you slip out unannounced while we’re doing dishes, missy?”
“Sorry about that, ma’am. I’ll do extra dishes next time. I just noticed we were low on milk, and I know you like a splash of milk with your tea, so…”
