Page 25 of Bringing Home the Bacon
“At this very moment?” Ginny squeaks.
Diane continues in a spectacularly heinous fashion. “Yes, Ginny. Just now we were all gathered for a big Bedd family Sunday dinner. Everyone was there. I’m telling you everyone, Ginny. His gran, his sister, his brothers, their girlfriends… I locked eyes with Samuel across the table. He was looking so juicy and virile. My mouth was watering. My panties were soaked. His expression told me that he was as hard as the oak table we were all gathered around. And god help me, Ginny, at that moment, I had to have him, even with his grandmother sitting beside me.”
“You made love in front of Mrs. Bedd?” Ginny’s eyes widen to saucers.
“Of course not,” Diane says coolly. “We excused ourselves, rushed out to the barn, and literally rolled in the hay. Over and over and over and over and over and over...”
“Alright, Diane,” I whisper. “I think that’ll do.”
“Wasn’t that itchy?” Ginny marvels, almost impressed.
“It was, Ginny!” Diane nods with seriousness. “It was very itchy. But Samuel’s cock is always worth it.”
She just mentioned my brother’s name and the word cock in the same sentence.
This is not going to end well for me.
Ginny gets unexpectedly practical and helpful. “You know you can’t tell if you’re pregnant immediately after intercourse, Diane.”
“Oh, I know, Ginny.” Diane smiles sweetly. “But the fact is, Samuel’s sperm swims through me on a daily basis. Over the past month, there have been many opportunities for a drop of Sam Pearl Jam to start a beautiful ruckus in my uterus.”
That did it.
In the nick of time, I grab a paper bag meant for groceries and empty the contents of my stomach into it.
Ginny is still, eyes darting between Diane and me.
I slap a twenty-dollar bill in Ginny’s palm, grab the test in one hand, my bag of barf in the other, and hightail it to the door, shouting, “Nice to see you, Gin! Good luck with the new leaf!” as I go.
A second after I slam the door and settle into the driver’s seat, Diane enters the vehicle and sits beside me. Seems she’s waiting for me to speak first.
I finally form words. “That. Was. Heinous.”
“I know!” Diane cringes. “Good thing you have quick reflexes and got the bag in time, though!”
“I’m referencing the verbal vomit that came out of your mouth!” I turn on the engine and pull onto the street. “Geez, Diane. That is my brother you were talking about. I think my ears are still bleeding.”
“I got the focus off you, didn’t I?”
I shudder. “You certainly did.”
We drive in silence for the few minutes it takes to reach the farm. I turn off the engine but make no move to exit the car.
“So? What’s the deal?” she says softly. “You’re pregnant?”
“I don’t know,” I sigh. “Maybe? Probably not? I don’t know. My period has always been irregular, so I didn’t even notice I skipped the past three until now. I’ve put on weight I can’t explain. And I’ve been feeling really nauseous lately too, so…”
“So maybe the puking incident wasn’t my fault?” Diane says hopefully.
“No, it was definitely your fault! ‘Samuel Spawn’? ‘Sam Pearl Jam’? Really?”
She places a hand over mine on the console. “Never again, I promise. I appreciated Ginny’s apology, and I’ll work on forgiving her, but you can’t blame me for getting a little saucy and staking my claim after everything she’s done, can you?”
“I suppose not, but still. Bleh.”
I turn the small box over in my hands and look up at the house, all lit up. Shadowy figures of my family move behind the gauzy curtains. Faint laughter seeps out through the front window that we always leave open a crack.
“Who’s the guy?” Diane asks.
