Page 35 of Sharkbait
I take one look at the classy silver-haired women surrounding me, and all I see are wide eyes and dropped jaws. My own face is positively flaming now, I’m sure of it.
I take a deep breath and try to salvage this situation.
TheJeopardymusic is blasting in my brain now.
We’ve reached the point of no return.
“Obviously, I meant the University ofPenn, not peen. Penn, as in Pennsylvania. As in William Penn, English colonial leader and member of the Religious Society of Friends, otherwise known as The Quakers. Though if you ask me, I don’t know howfriendlyit was of him to own a plantation run by slaves. Yeah, yeah, you could argue that this was the 1700s and Willy P didn’t know any better, but come on! It’s never too early in history to value your fellow human beings! Also, dude was gifted what would become the state of Pennsylvania. Can you imagine? Being gifted an entire state? Without working for it? And then naming it after yourself like an egotistical maniac?”
I crane my neck in the direction of Ralph’s last known location and spot him this time, but he is chatting and laughing away, totally oblivious to me digging my own grave over here.
As quickly as the music rattled its way into my brain, it just as abruptly cuts off.
I’m left staring at a small crowd of shocked older women, stewing in my own embarrassment.
And now... the indignant phase.
“You know what? On second thought, maybe thereshouldbe a University of Peen. I would totally enroll!”
They gasp.
“Hear me out, ladies. If there was an actual University of Peen, then perhaps we could learn how to deal with those penis-wielding creatures we call men once and for all, yeah? Who’s with me?”
No one.
No one is with me.
But plenty are gawking at me.
“No. Scratch that. On second thought, the whole world is already the University of Peen! We all know it was built for those sausage swingers!”
Sausage swingers? Someone save me from myself.
“She’s not wrong,” one of the women murmurs.
“Thank you, random elegant lady. If only we had no need for the peen, ya know? Like physically speaking. These days, I make time for occasional recreational peen only. That’s it! That’s where I draw the line—”
“Louise?”
I turn to find my brother standing next to me, his eyes wide, his posture rigid.
“Oh hey,bro!” I sneer. “Where ya been, buddy?”
“Having a quick drink with an old friend. Sorry I got caught up.” He nods politely at the women I’ve scandalized. “Hello.”
“Ladies, this is my brother Ralph, one of the few peeners who’s worth his salt. Usually. Tonight I’m not so sure.”
Ralph smiles and speaks out the corner of his mouth. “Corbin Bellows is asking to meet you. Is this a good time?”
“It’s the best time, yes. Thank you for the chat, ladies,” I say and punctuate it with a weird half bow/half curtsey.
Ralph ushers me a few feet away. “Did you just call me a peener?”
“Sure did! Way to leave me, dude!” I hiss.
“I’m sorry. My old pal Otto is here. I haven’t seen him since—”
“The incident?”
