Page 35 of Lovebug
“Mom. I’m serious. I think if I’d had someone to talk to about it when I was younger, I might be less … closed off now with guys.”
“Are you…closed off with guys?”
“Kind of, yeah.”
“So I’ve failed you. That’s what you’re saying.” Here come her defenses. Here comes the guilt.
“No, Mom, you haven’t failed me. I just—”
“No, I’ve failed you! I took away your beloved aunt, and I’ve offered you no maternal guidance whatsoever in the world of sexuality and womanhood. So let’s remedy at least one of those situations right now. Let’s talk about sex.” She puts down the plate and rubs her palms together in anticipation. “Alright! Mother and daughter sex time. How is Bert’s penis?”
“Excuse me?” I choke.
What on earth have I unleashed?
“Come on!” Mom rallies. “Let’s share! I’m very open to sharing with you.”
“Okay, well maybe we can ease our way in, or—”
“Nope! No easing,” she says. “Seems we’ve already wasted too much time not bonding as deeply as we could have been. So tell me, do you enjoy what Bert does to you with his penis?”
“I am not telling you about that!” I sputter.
“Alright then, shall we talk about your father’s penis? Because we can talk about your father’s penis.”
“What?! No! Mom! Geez, what are you—?”
“Well, I’m sorry, Mabel, but I’m just not sure what you were hoping for by bringing all of this up tonight.”
“Me neither, but I certainly wasn’t anticipating a dissertation about Dad’s penis, for chrissakes!”
“Alright, now,” Mom admonishes as ifIam the one crossing a line. “Don’t take the Lord’s name in vain.”
“The Lord? Since when do we speak about the Lord in our house?”
“We don’t!” She’s starting to get a bit shrill, not my mom’s style at all. “I’m just… You’re making me feel very put on the spot and turned around right now with all of this.”
I sigh and place my head in my hands. I take a moment to regroup, then place my hand gently on her upper back.
“I’m sorry, Mom. I don’t mean to upset you. A sixteen-year-old-kid called me a smurfnurblin today, and I guess… I dunno, I guess it’s thrown me.”
“What in the world is a smurfnurblin?”
“I have no idea!” I nearly shout. I think of all the times I’ve felt left out of conversations with my peers regarding sex and dating and general romantic goings-on between consenting adults. Too many to count. “It seems there are a lot of things I don’t know. Sometimes… I guess… I dunno, occasionally I feel really… sheltered.”
Mom looks at me then. Like really looks at me. She opens her mouth and closes it several times, but nothing comes out. After a few moments of this, she seems to give up on whatever she wanted to say and switches gears.
“Go on, get out of here. I can take it from here.” She smiles weakly.
“Yeah?” I ask.
“Mm-hmm,” she says.
“You’re sure?”
She’s already taking the dish towel and plate from my hand.
“Absolutely. Have fun, baby. Tell the girls I say hi. And I’ll, uh… I’ll see you in the morning. Your father and I are leaving around ten. You’ll see us off?”
