Page 90 of Flirtasaurus
“Just a water would be great, thank you.”
“Nonsense! Get the kid some vodka.”
“Dad, he asked for a water.”
“Ah, I’m dining with a buncha weaklings.” He scoffs, then follows my mother into the kitchen.
All of us ‘kids’ plop down on the late 90s floral sectional sofas and put our feet up on the old-school oak coffee table.
“Having fun yet?” I ask Ralph.
“You know what?” he says as he wraps his arm around me. “I actually am.”
Chapter Twenty
I come out of the bathroom to find Ralph perusing photos on the shrine of Lopey. Each of the three kids has a wall devoted to photos of them.
“Uh-oh,” I say.
“I’m guessing this little girl is you?”
“Yup, anyone with freckles and pigtails would be me.”
“Why are you dressed like a child bride in this one?”
“That was Lopey’s First Holy Communion.” My mother is suddenly beside us, holding a bowl of mashed potatoes and oozing pride from her voice. “Do you remember that day, Lope? The first time the Lord entered you through your mouth?”
Ralph whispers in my ear, “Does your mom always sound so sexual when she talks about Jesus?”
“Always, yes,” I whisper back. “Yeah, Mom, I do remember. A super special day. A bit different from the other time the Lord entered me at my confirmation because that time it was through my ass.”
“Calliope!” Mom scolds.
“What is wrong with her?”
“Oh, my God!”
“Why does shesaythings like this??”
Both my siblings and even my sibling-in-law have opinions on my wisecrack, it seems.
“Sorry, Mom. Didn’t mean to be disrespectful. Just thought I was picking up what you were putting down, homegirl.”
Dad breezes by, holding Suzie Q’s famous spiral ham on a big platter. “Your mother can’t help it. She’s a highly charged being and just can’t shut off the sexy.”
“Dinner is served, everyone!” Mom says. “Let’s all gather around the table.”
I guess we’re dropping the subject. Fine by me.
We all get settled in our seats and immediately take hands. Ralph looks confused.
“Grace,” I whisper to him.
“Ah, right,” he whispers back.
“Do the honors, sweetheart?” Mom asks Dad.
“Gladly, my dear. Dear Lord, thank you for rising from the grave and granting us eternal life this Easter and every Easter. Really swell of you, Big Guy. Thank you for my bodacious wife, my amazing children, including Birthday Girl Lopey Loo who we’re so happy to see, my incredible daughter-in-law, two brilliant little grandbabies, and the additional joyful surprise of having astronomer Ralph thrown into the family mix today. I have to praise you like I should.”
