Page 89 of Flirtasaurus
“Don’t give him the opportunity to explain because he will!” I hiss.
“Well, you see, Ralph. It’s a holiday weekend...”
“Aaaand he’s explaining.”
“And this lady here sure knows how to get in the Easter spirit. I’m just an old guy doing his best to keep the erection in resurrection if you know what I mean.”
I catch his elbow this time before he jams it into anyone’s body again.
Ralph seems to have shifted from shock to marvel. “Wow,” he breathes in wonder at my father.
When we get to the bottom of the stairs, Mom shouts, “Lopey’s here! Everyone, come see Lopey!”
Silence.
“She brought a boy!”
Within five seconds, two brothers, a sister-in-law, two infants, and a Scottish terrier sock slide their way to attention on the laminate flooring. Well, the infants are being held, and the terrier isn’t wearing socks, though I wouldn’t put it past my mother. Barnabas has a whole armoire filled with doggy apparel. No joke.
All eyes are on my… Why am I using a possessive pronoun? My… what? My friend? My date? My… Ralph?
“Hi… everybody.” Ralph gives a wave.
“Everybody? This is my friend Ralph.”
Friend. I go with friend. Feels safe to go with friend.
“Ralph, this is my little brother, Mark.”
“Hey, man,” Mark says.
Manly handshakes ensue.
“My big brother, Scott.”
More shakes.
“My sister-in-law, Becca.”
“I’d shake your hand,” Becca apologizes. “But…” She gestures to the two babies in her arms.
“You’ve got your hands full, I see.” Ralph smiles brightly. “Beautiful babies. Twins I’m guessing?”
“Aw, thank you. Yup!”
“That’s my niece, Luna and my nephew, Hart,” I chime in. “They’re three months old.”
“Three months?” Scott admonishes. At least it feels like an admonishment. “Calliope, they’re nearly ten months. We’re starting to plan their first birthday party.”
“Oh, geez, really? I’m sorry. I’ve never been good at gauging people’s ages. Babies, kids, adults…”
“Give her a bunch of dinosaur bones, though, and she can date them to a T, right baby girl? Down to the Mezozoey or the Curvacious” Dad says.
“True. And it’s Cretaceous, not Curvacious.”
“I like my version better,” he says right before he smacks my mother on the ass.
“Alright,” Mom says as she shoos him away. “Everybody can have a seat in the living room. I’m bringing out some appetizers in just a few minutes. Ralph, can I get you a drink?”
