Page 80 of Flirtasaurus
I squeeze the muscles between my neck and shoulders with both hands. They’re hard as a rock. Even more so than usual.
“I’m sensing some tension. Why is there tension?” Mabel asks with interest.
“My traps are always tight, but a night spent on this floor didn’t do them any favors.”
“No, I meant between you and Ralph. Why is there tension between you and Ralph?”
“Isn’t it obvious? They did the nasty.”
“Otto!” I scold.
“Forgive me.” He places his hand over his heart in supplication. “They made love. There is nothing nasty about making love. I’m gonna scrap that phrase from now on.”
“You and Ralph made love!?” Mabel squeals.
“No!” I whisper shout.
Ralph turns around and looks at us. Mabel smiles and waves. He returns to chatting with a parent. I lower my voice to a hush.
“Shhhhhhhh! No! Ralph and I did not make anything. Love, the nasty, or anything else.” I look around to see if any other tables are listening, then lower my voice even further. “Dear God, I do not need that rumor going around. Besides, Otto, the term make love is so embarrassing. People only say make love on schmaltzy old soap operas.”
“What’s a soap opera?” Mabel asks.
“Oh,” I say. This girl continues to surprise me with how sheltered she is. “Um, yeah, soap operas aren’t really a thing anymore, but they used to be huge.”
“My wife, Marta, loved them!” Otto says.
“My mom did too,” I offer. “She actually used to tape them while I was at school so we could watch them together when I got home. Which is… really weird now that I think about it.”
“And they’re musicals about cleaning?” Mabel questions.
“Huh?”
“The soap operas.”
“Oh. No.” I’m learning this girl is hella literal. “There was no singing. I guess they were called operas because they were so dramatic?”
“Okay, but why were they calledsoapoperas, though?”
“Gosh, I don’t freaking know, Mabel.”
Otto takes one for the team. “Well, Mabel, that was because when they started, way back in the 1920s, when they were actually radio dramas, most were sponsored by soap manufacturers like Proctor & Gamble, Colgate, Palmolive…”
“Interesting,” I say. “I didn’t know that. Anyway, there was lots of drama and paternity tests and poisoning, which I loved.”
“Usually a kidnapping too!” Otto adds.
“Oh yeah, the kidnappings were great!” I agree.
“Remember when Billy Clyde Tuggle kidnapped Dixie onAll My Children?”
“Billy Clyde Tuggle?” I rack my brain.
“Yes! Billy Clyde!” Otto drops into an impression complete with a decent Southern accent. “Oh, I love you, Dixie Biiiird!”
I got nothin’ for the guy.
“Ran that prostitution ring in Pine Valley? Tried to kill Dr. Chuck Tyler with a shovel? Built a bomb and planned to detonate it on the Pine Valley Bridge? No?!”
