Page 67 of Flirtasaurus
“Well, usually in books and movies and television mini-series and stuff, when there’s an old, mysterious guy lurking around an establishment and no one has ever touched him, it gets revealed later that he’s been a ghost the whole time. Tell me, dude, are you a ghost?”
“Ha, I don’t think so. Last I checked, I’m still here.”
“Thank goodness for that.”
“Aw. What? Do you like hanging out with me or something, kid?”
“Yeah, yeah, I guess I do.”
“The feeling is mutual, but nah, I have no need to have physical contact of any kind with any woman ever again.”
“Never been much of a touchy-feely guy then?”
“Oh, hell no. I screwed like a rabbit in the sixties and seventies. I was the touchiest-feeliest of them all!”
“Oh, good! I mean, I don’t care if you… It’s just that from what I understand, it’s important for people to—”
“Ah, those were the days, weren’t they?” He looks wistful as if he’s visualizing something. “Fucking fantastic. But after my wife passed…”
“Your wife passed? I’m sorry.”
“Thank you. A few years ago, yeah. So. After my wife passed, I found myself in a whole new world where you could no longer squeeze an ass without consent, lest you be arrested.”
“Well, that’s as it should be, don’t you think?”
“Is it, though?”
“Take it from a woman. Yes. It is. Also, I hate the word lest. Reminds me of molest.”
“You see that there? That kind of thinking is why I’ll never touch ya.”
“Oh come on, you have my consent to give me like a… a fist bump!”
I hold out my fist to him, and he recoils like I’m trying to burn him.
“Nah, I’m not falling for that. I need a witness.”
“Fine. By the way, thank you for filling in tonight. My friend Sasha ended up having to help out at an event for her dad’s liquor company, so…”
“Sure. What else was I going to do? And I’ll try not to take offense that I wasn’t your first choice.”
“Well, now that I know you’re game for things like this, I’ll ask you again. As my first choice next time.”
“Sounds good, kid.”
Just then, Mabel flutters in, looking a bit of a flustered mess.
“Hi. Hi. Hi, hi, hi, hi. I’m so sorry I’m late, Calliope. I was so honored that you’d ask me to help, and I was absolutely planning on being here on time. Even early, in fact! But then my boyfriend just sprung this last-minute early dinner on me with his parents, and I was expected to be there, and then it went long, and I had to find a polite way to leave, and it turned into this whole big thing and—”
“Whoa, whoa, slow down, Mabel. Breathe. Chill. It’s okay.”
“It is? It’s okay?”
“Of course. No problem at all. We’re just finishing up these goody bags, and then we’re going to go greet people as they come in. You’re totally fine. Thanks for being here. Ralph is still on his way too.”
Also… Mabel has a boyfriend? What on earth must that relationship look like?
“Okay, great. I’m so relieved. Hi, Otto.”
