Page 45 of Flirtasaurus
“Ralph sucks!”
“Send Ralph to jail!”
“You’re a terrible person, Ralph!”
To make things worse, little Oliver takes the opportunity to act out his sorrow and rage by silently pummeling his little fists into Ralph’s very taut belly. Huh. Go, Oliver. I didn’t know he had that in him.
“Whoa, why would you say that?” Ralph says to me under his breath while trying to protect his junk from Oliver’s wild punches.
“I’m sorry, I’m trying to relate to these kids!”
“By telling them I’m a murderer? Geez!”
“Kids? Kids, calm down! Oliver, no punching. Not even big strong guys like my friend here. Everybody sit crisscross applesauce, please.”
Well, miracles do happen. They actually listen and settle in an organized line on the carpeted floor. I squat down to address the seven tiny humans who are in my care for… I peek at my phone. Oh thank God, only five more minutes.
“I said something silly just now. My friend Ralph did not kill the dinosaurs. A big asteroid did.”
“My daddy has an asteroid in his butt from straining too much when he poops.”
“I’m sorry to hear that, Holden, but I think what your daddy has is actually called a hemorrhoid, not an asteroid. An asteroid is a huge space rock.”
“Ha! Holden’s dad has a huge space rock in his butt!”
“Finn, please. Everybody, Ralph here is an astronomer. That means he studies the stars and planets. Isn’t that cool? He works in the planetarium. That’s why he knows so much about asteroids and meteors and other awesome outer space things. So… feel free to ask him any questions you have about space!”
“Did I agree to guest lecture at your class, and I don’t remember?” Ralph says out of the corner of his mouth.
“I have five minutes left, and I’m all out of lessons. Please?” I mumble and look at him with pleading eyes.
He sighs, then turns his attention to the kids with a warm, genuine smile.
“Hit me, friends!” he says, but then he thinks better of it and gives Oliver a funny evil eye. “But not literally, kiddo. Omph, my belly is still sore from that beatdown.” He holds an arm across his stomach and pretends to stumble with pain.
Oliver starts to tear up again. “I’m so sorry, Space Man!” he wails.
“Shhh. It’s okay, buddy. I feel that frustrated energy in my body sometimes too. But instead of hitting and kicking people, I go to ka-ra-tay and practice hitting and kicking wooden boards.”
Could this guy be any sweeter? Even with his dumbass pronunciation of karate.
“Alright!” I clap my hands together like a classic schoolmarm. “We have four minutes. Who has a question for Ralph?”
Harper’s hand shoots up, and she doesn’t even wait to be called on. Atta girl.
“My name is Harper, and I’d like to know what is a planterarium?”
Ralph tries to hide his smile at her botched pronunciation.
“Hi, Harper. Aplanetariumis a big building where we project images of the stars and planets on a huge domed ceiling so everyone can learn about space. It’s kind of like sitting inside a huge ball in a super comfy chair and looking up at the night sky. Our museum actually has one right through those doors there.” He points. “Raise your hand if you’ve ever been to a planetarium!”
A few tiny hands shoot up, including Harper’s again.
“Oh, okay!” she says. “I get it now. I went to a planetarium in New Jersey last year. We saw a show where Big Bird and Elmo go to the moon with Hu Hu Zhu, their friend from China.
“Oh, yeah? How’d you like that, Harper?”
“I found it to be very problematic actually.”
