Page 127 of Flirtasaurus
I take my spot at the podium.
“Thank you, Dr. Knowles. And hello, everyone. It is an absolute honor to be here tonight. And to be asked to speak at an event like this? Well, in the words of Wayne Campbell and Garth Algar, ‘We’re not worthy!’ Hahaha! NotWayne’s Worldfans, huh? That’s fine, that’s fine. So… yeah. When Dr. Knowles first asked me to speak tonight, I was thrilled. Prepared a traditional speech and everything. But… a lot has happened since then, so I decided to change course and speak directly from the heart.”
“Oh no.” I hear Sasha say. She must have chased after me when I came forward because she’s right near the front now. Good. A supportive audience is always good.
“…which for those of you who know me, isn’t my yoozsh – you know, matters of the heart. For all you boomers out there, and by the sea of silver I’m seeing, I’m guessing that’s quite a few of you, buh-dum-bum-chh! That was a rim shot. Anyway, when I say yoozsh, I mean usual. Speaking from the heart is not my usual. You see Trix up there? That’s right, ma’am, see that beautiful lady T-Rex behind you? Yeahhhhh. Trixie, there, is my spirit animal. Now, a lot of people say ‘Oh fill-in-the-blank is my spirit animal,’ but they don’t really mean it. I mean it in the most literal sense. My actualspiritrecognizes her, and she recognizes me. It’s true! A few weeks ago, when I was high on shrooms while chaperoning the museum sleepover, she winked at me. It was like she recognized a kindred spirit.”
I pause just long enough to see the dumbfounded looks on the sea of faces in front of me.
“There’salways been a… a hardness about me. I’m not sure why. I’ve never been one of those go-with-the-flow kind of people. I’m not a peaceful, slow-moving Apatosaurus lifting my long elegant neck up to the trees to nibble on leaves while taking in the morning breeze. No, friends. I’m a fucking T-Rex going after what I want like a sonofabitch. With my razor-sharp teeth and wit and determination…”
“Calliope, I think that’s enough—”
“Thank you, Dr. Knowles, but this is important. I’ll just be another minute. So. Most people reach out to other people with their arms, yeah? But when you’re a motherfucking T-Rex, I’ll tell ya something, that’s not easy! First of all, you have these ridiculously short puny arms that can reach out all they want…” I do some clever physicalizations to illustrate my point. “…but they never seem to touch anything, which is humiliating for powerful creatures like us! Second of all, once you get known as being fierce and hard and unyielding, it’s pretty hard to break that pattern. So you act the way people have come to expect of you. You lash out, and you protect what’s yours… even when someone else gets hurt in the process. I hurt someone, ladies and gentlemen. He means absolutely everything to me, and I hurt him. All to protect myself and this stupid image I hold so tightly to. Ralph? Are you listening? That’s right, his name is Ralph. Ya know, I can be judgey, and when I first learned his name was Ralph, I had my doubts that I could get it on with someone with that name…”
“Hey Calliope,” I hear Sasha whisper. “Maybe we should –“
“No no, hear me out for a second. ‘Ohhh, give it to me Ralph. Harder, Ralph.’ Sounds kind of silly, right? But let me tell you something, ladies and gentlemen, there is nothing silly about making love to that man. That’s right, I said making love, and I don’t care how cheesy that sounds because let it be known that I was the woman in that security video. I was the one he made crazy, passionate, ass-in-the-air love to in that very corner of this museum’s exhibition hall. Yes, that’s right, sir! Right where you’re standing, sir!”
The room collectively gasps, while the elderly man I’m addressing takes a step to the side.
“Okay, let’s be real, though. Who among us has not fornicated on the floor of a public museum, high on psychedelics, while they were supposed to be chaperoning precious pairs of parents and children?”
Nearly every hand in the museum slowly raises.
“That’s fair. Okay. I just had to say something. I couldn’t let this beautiful man take the fall alone without me acknowledging my part in it for one more day. Ralph? Are you listening? Ralph?”
“Yeah, Callie?” That beautiful voice that rumbled its way into my heart the very first time I heard it soars over the silent crowd. And then I see him. He walks through the crowd of people and stands directly in front of me, as open and as vulnerable as I’ve ever seen him.
“I love you,” I choke out. “I’ve never said that to anyone before, but holy moly, do I love you.”
His smile lights up the room. And I swear, the rest of the people, the rest of theworlddisappears at that moment.
“I was mad at you when we first met because it was your stupid space rock that plummeted to Earth and decimated my dinos. I know, but I never said I was a rational person. What I didn’t realize though was that you were about to do the very same thing to me. And I’m so glad you did. You are the big ass, beautiful asteroid that plunged into my hard, little heart and broke it wide open so it would never be the same. But instead of sending me to extinction, you introduced me to a whole new life. I love you, Ralph, and I don’t want to have to live without you.”
You could hear a pin drop in the room right now.
Ralph—and over three hundred other people for that matter—just stares at me.
It didn’t work.
I put everything on the line, and it didn’t work.
“I, uh… I’m sure it’s clear by this point that I have had several too many margaritas at this here gala, but please know that I meant every word I said.” I peek at Ralph. “Even if it’s not reciprocated. I thank you all for listening and huge thanks to the entire team at the museum for believing in me and—”
Ralph rushes forward and cuts me off with an epic kiss.
I return the kiss as though my life depends on it.
When he pulls back, his hands on my cheeks, his eyes shiny and smiling, he says, “You, Calliope FitzGerald, are an absolute lunatic.”
“And?” I say, hopefully.
“And… I love you too.”
We kiss again.
The entire room erupts into applause.
