Page 84 of Impossible
“Yes.” Oddly, he’d eaten everything on his plate the past two days. He hadn’t said anything to Ada about that, however. Perhaps he was afraid the change wouldn’t last.
The coach fell silent. Though Ada wasn’t pulling away—on the contrary, she continued to hold and comfort him—Max feared he’d finally turned her against him.
He stared at the opposite side of the coach, “I am not a good person, Ada.”
“I don’t believe that. You survived the unimaginable.”
Glancing toward her, he gritted his teeth. “You didn’t see what I did to those men.”
“I told you that I wouldn’t judge you. Please stop asking me to. I wasn’t there. Answer me one question: are you sorry they’re dead?”
She’d cut right to the heart of it. Max had asked himself that question a thousand times, along with whether he would do it again if given a second chance. “No, I’m not sorry.”
She exhaled and gave his hands a gentle squeeze. “What I don’t understand is why you’re angry with Lucien or think that he isn’t your friend. From my perspective, he is the most steadfast and loving of friends. When people like that come into your life and stand by you…” Her voice trailed off briefly. “You don’t refuse them.”
He suspected she was speaking from experience, as a young woman who’d been utterly alone. “Who is that person for you?”
“Evie. And Lucien, to a certain extent. But Evie is the reason I am not eking out a living God knows where with a child who depends on me.”
A child? Max never imagined she could have pulled him so quickly and thoroughly from his tortured thoughts. “You have a child?”
She met his gaze. “No. And I will tell you that story later since we are revealing our darkest truths. However, before we arrive at the club, I need you to understand that what happened tonight is not proof that you’re a bad person.”
Of course she knew that was exactly what he was thinking. “When I saw those men touching you, menacing you, I wanted to kill them. I may have, if not for Lucien and Glastonbury intervening.”
“I think you should remember that you were fighting in a war. I’m sure there are many other things you saw—and survived—that are terrible and that may even haunt you. The way you’ve suffered since then, especially after everything you endured, is, I think, to be expected. You weren’t just wounded in your body—you were also wounded in your mind.”
She’d managed to put into words what the last few years had been like for him. As he’d healed on the outside, everyone expected him to just return to normal. Those who knew him, anyway. Those who didn’t startled in fear or revulsion when they saw his face, confirming what he knew to be true—that he was a beast, unfit for human companionship. His external scars had helped to keep the internal wounds from healing.
“My body could be fixed,” he said woodenly. “Mostly,” he amended, gesturing toward his face. “But how can anyone repair my mind, my soul?” He genuinely wanted to know.
He suspected he already did.
“I think with time and with people who care for you, it’s possible to heal,” she spoke confidently, captivating him with her certainty. “To overcome that which you think is impossible and not only survive but flourish.”
“How are you so wise about this?”
“Because I had the same wounds, only they weren’t in my body at all. I carried guilt and self-loathing, and it was magnified by my brother and sisters. I saw myself as a worthless person, and it wasn’t until I became what I thought I should be—someone who deserved to be treated badly—that I realized I didn’t want that. Furthermore, Iwasn’tthat person, even if my family thought otherwise.”
He stared at her in awe. “You have such courage and strength. I feel rather weak next to you.”
She tightened her grip on his hands. “No! You aren’t weak at all, and don’t you dare think that. As I said, it takes time to overcome wounds, to heal. You’ve been doing that—slowly. If you can’t see the progress you’ve made in the past few weeks, then I will entertain the notion that you are at least feeble-minded.”
That she could provoke him to feel a flash of amusement in this moment was astonishing. “I wouldn’t want you to thinkthat.”
“Good, because I wouldn’t anyway.” She narrowed her eyes at him. “You are, however, wrongheaded about Lucien.”
He heard what she was saying, and she wasn’t wrong. He hadn’t meant what he’d said earlier about Lucien not being his friend. “Because of Lucien, I am a celebrated war hero. The truth, however, is that I attacked a squadron without provocation and had no orders to do so. Lucien reported to our superiors that we happened upon them by accident and had to defend ourselves.”
“So you’re angry with Lucien for not only saving your life, but also for protecting you from court-martial?”
“You make me sound ridiculous.” He looked away.
“That is not my intent. You’ve been living under the belief that you deserved to lose everything. But I am glad you did not, and I am especially grateful to Lucien for being such a good friend to you.”
“I did something stupid and horrible, and I shouldn’t be rewarded for it. They want to elevate my title to an earldom.” He curled his lip.
“Would you rather tell them the truth and see what happens then?”
