Page 46 of Impossible
You’d like it to be.
She ignored the debate raging in her head. “While I was toiling as a governess at nineteen, I daresay you were devouring London at the same age.”
“Devouring? That’s an awfully colorful word.”
“What were you doing then? Attending balls and routs or other, more salacious things?” She waggled her brows at him.
His lip quirked into a half smile, and Ada nearly gasped at his beauty, even with the scar marring his face. It was probably good that he never smiled fully. No woman in a fifty-mile radius would accomplish anything.
“I mostly made a nuisance of myself along with Lucien and Dougal MacNair.”
“I know Dougal,” Ada said, thinking of the charming second son of the Earl of Stirling who frequented the Phoenix Club. He was still a close friend of Lucien’s.
“Dougal knows bloody everyone—like Lucien. They’re birds of a feather. I suppose we all were since we were second sons. We felt it was our duty to make merry and, ah, commit debauchery. Our favorite haunt was the Siren’s Call.”
“That sounds like a bawdy house.”
“We’d hoped it was, and it certainly seemed to be with plenty of beautiful women to look at. But that’s all we were allowed to do—look. It’s a gaming hell run by women. They drew men in with their seductive appearance and behavior. In return, they offered excellent food and drink and some of the finest gaming in London.”
“That’s bloody brilliant. I’m surprised I haven’t heard of them.”
“You aren’t their audience,” he said with a smirk.
She turned her body toward him, astounded at what he was sharing and wanting to know everything he was willing to reveal. “No, I suppose not. That was your favorite place to go?”
“We certainly didn’t like balls or”—he shuddered—“Almack’s.”
“I can see why not. Committing debauchery there would be frowned upon. So did you?” she asked enthusiastically, wanting every detail.
Now he actually laughed. It was short, but so sweet, she wanted to weep with joy. “I have never been to Almack’s, nor do I ever want to go. I’m fairly certain they wouldn’t want me.” His voice had trailed off, and she thought she glimpsed the darkness creeping back.
“The Phoenix Club is a wonderful counterpoint to Almack’s. We have weekly assemblies, and while you do have to be a member or sponsored for attendance by a member, our punch won’t make your face pucker. Furthermore, the membership isn’t stuffy or self-important. Indeed, we boast many people who would not be invited to White’s or Brooks’s or other private clubs—and not just women. Though the inclusion of my sex is what truly sets us apart.”
“You sound quite proud of the club.”
Her chest swelled. “I am. Lucien and Evie have done a wonderful job. I’m privileged to be a part of it.”
“Are you trying to convince me to join?”
“I wasn’t intentionally, but you should.”
He took his head from his hand and moved to his back, his attention directed straight up, toward the bed hangings. “Assemblies don’t interest me.”
“Whisky does. And perhaps gaming? It sounds as though you enjoyed it in your youth.”
“I enjoyed a great many things then that I wouldn’t now. I’m a much different person.”
She worried she’d pushed too far, that he was withdrawing. “We all change with time,” she said carefully. “And that’s probably a good thing. I’m a much different person too. Hopefully I’ve learned from my mistakes.”
His head turned sharply toward her. “You can’t think what happened to your sister was your mistake?”
“I will always feel some guilt about it. I definitely learned from it.” And from what happened after. “There are…other mistakes, however.” Now she wanted to withdraw. She held her breath, hoping he wouldn’t ask.
Exhaling, he turned his head back against the pillow and faced the ceiling once more. “Guilt and regret are impossible to avoid in life, I suppose.”
“Yes. It’s how we manage them that matters.” She stared at the side of his face—the right side—wishing it was his left so she could move closer and touch his scar. Then she would put her hand on the other side of his face and turn him toward her so she could press her lips to his.
The kiss from the other night burned in her mind, and the memory aroused a fierce hunger in her body. But she was alone in her desire. He didn’t even know they’d kissed.
