Page 100 of Impossible
As angry and hurt as he felt learning Ada hadn’t told him the truth, Max had to wonder if she’d been right. Perhaps hewastoo fragile. Just look at him, hands shaking, breathing shallow, pulse racing.
It was more than that. She’d kept something from him. Something vital and intrinsic to who she was, while he’d revealed everything. He thought they’d shared a singular connection.
The knock on the door didn’t surprise him. He stood there, silently, pondering what to do.
“Max, are you in there? Can I please talk to you?” Ada’s voice was dark and anguished.
Without thinking, he went and opened the door.
She was pale, her eyes wide. “May I come in?”
He stepped aside without a word and closed the door behind her. Had it just been a short while ago that they’d shared such fierce, wonderful passion?
Turning toward him, she clutched her hands together anxiously. “I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you the truth about Jonathan. It wasn’t because I thought you couldn’t manage it.” She looked away, her cheeks coloring with shame. “I didn’t tell you because I knew you’d think less of me given what your father had done. Just earlier, you were telling me about the anger you felt toward Lady Peterborough.Iam Lady Peterborough—or I was anyway. I couldn’t bear your disdain.”
This hadn’t been about protecting him. She’d wanted to protect herself. He couldn’t think of what to say.
He wanted to say that he wouldn’t have been angry with her for carrying on with her married employer, but fidelity was important to him. Whether that was because of the strong love he’d felt for Lucia and that he now felt for Ada or due to his father’s unfaithfulness, he didn’t know. It was likely all of that.
One thing he did know—he wanted to understand. If he could. “You were his governess?”
“Yes. He and his wife had an unhappy marriage. They didn’t love one another.”
“He took advantage of you.” Max despised men who used their positions of power to corrupt, especially when they used it to manipulate women.
She turned from him and went to stand in front of the hearth, her head cast down. “I hadn’t thought of him taking advantage of me, but Evie said he did and then Lucien did and now you are. I just wanted someone to care for and someone to care for me. I think in some ways, he felt the same.”
The wounded man inside him felt compassion for that young woman, but not for her employer. “No man should engage in an affair with his employee, no matter how he feels about her.” He realized he could never have hired Ada to be his steward. There would be no greater torture than having her near and maintaining his distance.
He stared at her back, his insides blistering. “Lucien and Evie knew all about this. You insisted I bare all to you, that you wouldn’t judge me, yet you wouldn’t give me the same courtesy?” He felt as though he’d been gut punched.
She faced him, pain etching her features. “I didn’t think of it like that. I’m so sorry.” She sniffed. “You are such an honorable man. I’ve let you down, and I’m so ashamed.”
Why would she have thought of it like that? They’d made no promises or commitment to one another. She wasn’t in love with him, not like he was with her. Nor had he even told her.
“Don’t be ashamed. You know I’m nowhere near honorable.” In fact, he’d all but announced to the entire club that she’d been unwed and carrying that man’s child. “I hope I didn’t ruin things for you downstairs. I shouldn’t have said what I did.”
She shook her head. “Please don’t concern yourself with that. I’m sorry you were so shocked—that’s entirely my fault, not yours.”
“You don’t owe me your darkest secrets. You don’t owe me anything.” He wasn’t angry anymore, but the hurt remained. He was such a bloody disaster.Still.And he had to expect he always would be. She ought to marry someone like Hemmings. He could offer her a real future, stability. Even if she didn’t love him.
“I’m not marrying him. I don’t love him.”
Had she heard his thoughts? “I’m going to return home tomorrow,” he said. “I want to thank you for all you’ve done for Stonehill. And for me.” Parting in this manner was for the best. Anything else would have been difficult and messy.
She nodded. “I will always be here for you if you need me. I hope you’ll let me know if I can help with Stonehill.”
He wouldn’t. “Certainly.”
He could see she was upset. But he didn’t want to say anything to change that. This was easier—for both of them.
Going to the door, Max opened it. “Good night, Ada.”
She walked toward him, pausing at the threshold. “Good night.” Outside the door, she looked back over her shoulder. “And goodbye.”
Max closed the door and rested his forehead against the wood. The joy he’d felt earlier seemed a distant memory. He wondered if he’d ever feel it again—how familiar that fear was to him.
Pushing away from the door, he went in search of the Irish whiskey he’d had the forethought to ask a footman to bring to his room the day before. Tonight, he would banish his emotions, and tomorrow, he’d return to Stonehill, where he was quite adept at keeping himself stoic.
