Page 38 of A Rogue to Ruin
“Being alone.” She snapped her lips together in a slight frown. “I didn’t realize I was going to say that. In fact, I didn’t know I felt that way until this moment.”
“I can’t imagine you need to worry about that.” He splayed his palms against her lower back. “Won’t your sister suspect what you’re about? Since she brought you here today.”
“Perhaps.” She tipped her head from side to side. “Probably. I’m not much for taking naps, I’m afraid. It doesn’t matter—she won’t begrudge me, and she certainly won’t tell anyone.”
He laughed. “You have a good sister.”
Anne beamed up at him. “So do you. I like Selina very much.”
He did have a good sister. That morning, they’d traveled to the Croydon Parish Church and spoken to the vicar. He’d hadn’t known their “uncle,” Edgar Blackwell, but when Rafe had described their nurse, he’d said it sounded like one of his former parishioners—a Pauline Blaylock. Dark-haired with a beautiful voice, she’d left home to take a position as a nurse decades before. Her family had been proud that she’d gone to work for an earl.
Unfortunately, the Blaylock family had all died or moved far away from Croydon, with the exception of one person: Pauline’s younger sister. She was married to an innkeeper in Redhill. They hadn’t had time to travel farther south to visit her at the Golden Eagle today, but they would soon.
“What time should I be ready on Wednesday?” Anne asked.
Her question jolted him from his recollection of his trip to Croydon. “Ah, ten?”
“So early. For Society, but not for me. I’ll be ready.” She gave him a coy look and slipped her fingers into the hair at his nape. This was very similar to when she’d kissed him at the Chapter Coffee House. When he’d been swept away by his overwhelming attraction to her. It would be far too easy to allow that again…
He forced himself to take his hands from her and step back. “Are you certain this is wise?”
Her brow furrowed with disappointment. “Going to Magazine Day? I owe you an excursion since I missed our last one.”
She was clever. He’d give her that. And it wasn’t as if she was manipulating him. He knew precisely what he was doing, that agreeing to take her, hell, seeing her here and now, invited intimacy. At least the physical kind. He wasn’t capable of anything else. She needed to know that.
He took her hand and guided her back to the settee, sitting them both down so they faced each other. “Anne, you need to understand something. You’ve said—repeatedly—that you wish to be my friend. I gratefully accept your friendship. However, I can’t accept more, and it seems you…would like more.”
She narrowed her eyes briefly and swallowed. “Because I kissed you and nearly did so again just now?”
“Yes.”
“Would that be so bad?”
“For you? Yes. You are not the sort of woman I should be kissing.”
“What does that mean?” She sounded a bit angry, and her eyes blazed.
“It means a woman like you deserves a man who will kiss you and then marry you. I am not that man, nor will I ever be.”
Her gaze calmed, and she regarded him with curiosity. “Why not?”
“Because I was married before, and I don’t wish to be again.”
She blinked as a slight tremor raced through her. He could see it in the flutter of her throat and the gentle twitch of her shoulders.
“What happened?” she asked.
Rafe worked to keep the specific memories at bay. He never indulged them. To do so was madness and despair. “She died. I loved her very much.” More than life. And she’d been carrying their child. The loss of the family he’d so desperately wanted was a hole inside him that would never heal. Vengeance hadn’t soothed his pain; nothing would.
Anne’s eyes rounded. “Oh.” She glanced away. “That’s why there’s a darkness inside you.”
Christ, shedidsee him. “Yes.”
Her gaze turned fierce, and she took his hand between both of hers in her lap. “I am your friend, and perhaps I’ll be more. Perhaps not. I have no illusions—not after Gilbert Chamberlain. If I learned anything from that experience, it’s that I deserve happiness and I won’t settle for anything less than what I want.”
Utterly fearless. He shouldn’t take her to Magazine Day, but nothing could stop him. Not even the stark reality that he didn’t deserve to breathe the same air she did. If she knew how he was connected to Chamberlain, she’d realize just how awful he was.
He put his other hand over hers and leaned toward her. “Understand me, Anne—there is more than a darkness. I amnotthe man you think I am, nor the man you want me to be. I am not a knight or a hero who will make you happy forever. If you can accept that, we will go to Magazine Day to make up our lost afternoon. And then we will part as friends. Do you agree?” He held her gaze and stroked his thumb along her wrist.
