Page 69 of The Duke of Seduction
He edged backward. “Lavinia. You said it yourself—we can’t keep meeting in libraries.”
“That was before yesterday.” Her eyes were dark with desire, and his body reacted, hardening and tightening with lust. “I can’t stop thinking about what happened. What you did.”
“Yesterday was a grievous mistake. I vastly overstepped.”
Her eyes narrowed. “Iaskedyou to.”
“Yes, well, I shouldn’t have listened to you. And I especially shouldn’t now. Not when it seems your betrothal to Sir Martin is imminent.”
“It isn’t.”
His stomach dove into the floor. “You’re already engaged?”
She put her hands on her hips and glared at him. “No, but would that help? You don’t seem to have a problem conducting affairs with women who are married.”
It was a punch to his midsection, and it took his breath away. “Lavinia, I am not going to have an affair with you.” Even as he said the words, he wondered if he’d really be able to say no. She was right; he’d had no trouble carrying on with married women. He was suddenly and thoroughly disgusted with himself.
She exhaled and relaxed her arms at her sides. “How am I supposed to marry someone else after everything that’s gone on between us?”
The pain in his midsection spread through him. He wouldn’t let it take over. Straightening, he inhaled a deep breath. “I wish I could change what happened. You deserve far better. I’ve enjoyed our friendship, but that’s all it can be. I am not the marrying kind, Lavinia.” He corrected himself. “LadyLavinia.”
She stared at him a long moment. “I don’t think we can maintain a friendship. You see, I don’t want to change anything that happened, and knowing you do will only make me sad. Furthermore, it seems clear to me that we share an attraction, and you just said you enjoyed our friendship. I think youcouldbe the marrying kind if you wanted to.” Her gaze was dark with disappointment and something else he didn’t want to consider. “I’m afraid this must be good-bye.” She turned and went to the door, turning her head to look at him before she left. “Good-bye, Lord Northam.”
The moment she was gone, he went to the door and rested his forehead against the wood. He wanted her. But he couldn’t see past the darkness just now. It engulfed him until he felt as if he couldn’t breathe.
He wasn’t sure how long he stood there, but eventually, he opened the door and escaped the house. He went home and buried himself in a tangle of words and whiskey.
Gage roused him early, speaking softly and encouraging him to go upstairs to bathe and dress. Why was Gage bothering him? Beck didn’t want to go anywhere. He’d passed out on the chaise in his office plenty of times.
Blinking his heavy eyelids open, Beck looked about at the empty decanter and the tumbler lying on its side near the chaise on the carpet. Sheets of foolscap littered the floor and the end of the chaise.
“The wedding is this morning, my lord,” Gage said softly.
Wedding. Oh God, she was getting married already? Anguish and regret pulsed through him with astounding force, pushing him to a sitting position. His head pounded in concert with the thumping of his heart.
“Where?” Beck rasped.
“St. George’s, of course.” Gage looked at him with concern as he always did after a night like the last.
Wait. Lastnight. He’d just seen her last night, and she said she hadn’t been betrothed. Not yet anyway. And he certainly hadn’t given her a reason not to be.
He put his hand to his head and began to massage his temple. “It’s not Lavinia’s wedding.”
The creases in Gage’s brow deepened. “No. It’s Miss Lennox’s wedding.”
Beck sagged with relief, and the ache in his head lessened a degree. Of course it was Miss Lennox. He meant to watch her leave the church and see that she was off to a happy life.
“You don’t have much time,” Gage said. “Cook is preparing a headache tonic. I’ll bring it upstairs while you dress.”
Beck rose from the chaise with considerable effort. “Thank you.” As he wove his way upstairs, he thought of Lavinia. He was afraid he’d been an ass. No, hehadbeen an ass. What he’d said was true—he wasn’t the marrying kind. And yet when he thought of her marrying someone else, he simply couldn’t bear it. The fear he’d just felt when he’d thought it was her wedding this morning… He didn’t want to feel that again.
Once he’d downed the tonic and was bathed and dressed, he went back to his office and scrawled out a note. His horse was waiting outside, but instead of taking him east toward St. George’s, Beck turned west toward Grosvenor Square.
After stashing the note in the tree, he cut over to Park Street to tie the ribbon tucked into his coat around the railing across from Lavinia’s house. He stood there for a moment, staring up at her chamber, willing her to come to the window. But it was still early, and she didn’t.
Now, he rode east, and when he arrived across from the church, he waited. His heart had begun to lift once he’d written the note, and he’d felt better when he’d put the ribbon across from Lavinia’s house. Seeing Miss Lennox happily wed would readjust his mind and bring him back from the dark.
He continued to wait.
