Page 82 of The Duke of Ruin
“I’d like to, but I don’t know if it’s possible.” This was an improvement too. Before, he would have flatly said it was impossible, that he’d made a promise to Miriam never to let her memory fade. “Why did you abandon me?”
She exhaled, and he detected a note of self-recrimination. “I can’t say I’m proud of it. I was angry at your behavior. Not because I thought you’d maliciously pushed her down the stairs, but because you couldn’t remember. You know how much I hated your drinking.”
Yes, he did. “You were right to hate it. I don’t drink anymore.”
“Ever?”
“Not a single drop. I’ve become quite a tea enthusiast.”
“How remarkable.” She blinked and glanced away for a moment, bringing her fingertip to the corner of her left eye.
“You were right to abandon me.” Diana was right—he’d cultivated people’s scorn and derision as a form of self-punishment. He’d accepted his mother’s treatment as something he’d deserved. “I could barely live with myself. Why should anyone else?”
Her brow creased. “You needed care and support. I should have been there for you. Yes, it was a horrible thing—an accident. You must find a way to forgive yourself. But it seems you may be on that path. I wasn’t there for you, but clearly Diana was. And is. I can see how much you care for her. It’s similar to Miriam, but different too.”
“I miss her, but I do care for Diana. More than I ever thought possible. How can there possibly be room for both of them in my heart? Already, Miriam is starting to fade a bit.” His chest constricted as he recalled coming down the stairs just now and not even thinking of her until he was at the bottom.
Mother gave him a wan smile. “My dear boy, she will fade with time. Even your father has faded for me—and I haven’t remarried. It doesn’t mean I love or miss him any less. It only means I’ve found a way to continue, to move forward. And he would want me to do that. Miriam would want that for you too.”
“But it’s my fault she isn’t here.”
“Fault isn’t important, Simon.” She hadn’t called him by his first name in a very long time. It made him feel like a boy again, and right now, that wasn’t a bad thing. “Forgiveness is what matters. You’ve found the chance to be happy again. Do that. Look forward, not back. Your father would be proud of the duke you’ve become.”
Forgive himself. Look forward instead of to the past. Let the past stay where it must—behind him. He had to find a way to live with what he’d done. This wasn’t a revelation. He’d known he’d have to do that if he had any hope for a future. But he’d never had that hope. Not until Diana.
“Thank you,” he said quietly, appreciating her words.
She came to him and patted his arm. It was as close to a hug as he might expect from her. She’d never been overly demonstrative. His father had been the one to wrap him in a tight embrace and drop a kiss on his head. Simon missed him so much. But he was also glad to have his mother here.
“You’ll stay for a few days?” he asked.
She nodded. “Apparently, I need to investigate the dower house. I’m weary of my cottage in Kent, but it’s nice to have so I can visit your sisters.” They lived within about forty miles of each other. “They might like to see you and meet your new wife. If you wanted to invite them here.”
Simon still wasn’t sure he could stay here for a long period of time. He was going to try to last until Lowell and Marley’s wedding, but he wasn’t entirely convinced it was possible.
“I’ll think about it.”
“You do that. I’m going to have a rest before dinner.” She started toward the door, and Humphrey jumped down from the chair to follow her.
Simon tried to sort through the outrageous events of the day. It hadn’t been all bad—he felt even closer to Diana, and he’d reconciled with his mother. But learning the reason for his argument with Miriam had been a blow. It gave proof to a truth he’d secretly doubted, deep inside—that hehadcaused her death.
So he wasn’t amurderer, but his wife had died because of him. Probably. He’d never know. And yes, he’d have to learn to live with that.
Chapter 17
Diana slept laterthan normal after the events of the previous day. They’d enjoyed a nice dinner with the dowager, opting to avoid discussing anything to do with Diana’s parents or the revelation regarding Simon’s first wife’s death. Instead, his mother had regaled Diana with his youthful exploits on the estate—fishing in the pond, climbing trees, bringing creatures into the house and causing general mayhem, daily rides with his father. When the conversation turned to the previous duke, the love Simon and his mother felt for him was palpable. Diana realized Simon had lost two of the most important people in his life. That had to be difficult. Whereas Diana didn’t evenhaveimportant people in her life.
That acknowledgment came with a shadow of melancholy. Or maybe it had come with what Simon had said yesterday. About Miriam. Diana could see how much he’d loved her and how he’d suffered with her loss. There was a void inside him, and she doubted her ability to fill it.
How she wanted to.
The other thing she’d realized was that she loved him. Shehadto. She’d no idea what that emotion should feel like, but he was never far from her mind, she burned for his touch, and she ached to make him whole again. If that wasn’t love, then perhaps she was simply incapable of the emotion.
While that was certainly possible, she refused to believe it was true. Shewantedto love him. Furthermore, she wanted him to love her in return.
Yes, therein lay her melancholy.
As she made her way to the stairs, she saw Mrs. Marley talking with a maid. The maid nodded at whatever she said and departed along the gallery. Mrs. Marley turned and started down the stairs.
