Page 53 of The Duke of Ice
He shook his head. “No matter how much we may want to.”
She understood. And she was grateful for this. Maybe now she wouldn’t think of him with searing regret and abject guilt. Maybe now she could think of him and smile.
He picked up her shoes and slipped them onto her feet as if she were Cinderella. Except this was no fairy tale. There would be no happy endings and no ever after.
She stood up and shook out her skirts. She gave him a smile and said, “I will always cherish you, and I wish you well.”
Then she walked softly from the room, careful to close the door behind her.
Chapter 11
Oberon’s hoovespounded the wet sand, sending salt and spray flying as Nick ran him across the beach. The last two days had been too stormy to ride. Both man and beast were ecstatic to be out, even if the heavens were spitting rain periodically.
The last week had passed at a particularly glacial pace. Since arriving home from the house party, Nick hadn’t been his usual self. The things he typically did to pass his days—working in his office or on the estate, fishing, even riding as he was now—had failed to keep him satisfied. He’d left the Linfords’ feeling remarkably good, his sexual encounter with Violet fulfilling him in a way he hadn’t been in years. That feeling had lasted about a day.
By the time he’d gotten back to Kilve Hall, he’d begun to question everything. Hell, he’d started questioning everything the moment he’d met Violet at the party. She’d awakened him from a long, dismal sleep, and he was surprised to find he didn’t want to reclaim it.
Which left him wondering what the hell to do next.
Simon had disappeared to parts unknown, which had left Nick to query his staff. And damn if they weren’t perplexed by his behavior. Nick nearly smiled at their bemusement. Poor Rand. Nick had asked his valet last night if he ought to marry again. Rand had gaped at him, then assumed he was jesting. When Nick had said he wasn’t, Rand’s eyes had nearly popped from his head. In the end, he’d said he certainly couldn’t offer advice.
So today, Nick was seeking better counsel. He rode up the path from the beach to the small graveyard overlooking the ocean. Dismounting, he let Oberon graze in a familiar spot, then went to Jacinda’s grave. Next to hers was the smaller headstone belonging to their son.
“I’m sorry I haven’t been to visit in a while. I was at a house party.” He bent and brushed sand from her name on the stone. “You would have liked it. There was archery—no, you wouldn’t have cared for that. You would have liked the silly games and the dancing. And the shopping trip.” At the mention of the latter, he couldn’t help but think of Violet and how fortunate he was that she hadn’t taken the excursion.
He’d gone to the sitting room to watch the women leave, never imagining that she would be there. He certainly hadn’t planned to lie with her, but the opportunity was too perfect. And hehadhoped that perhaps they could put the past to rest for good. Instead, he feared they’d made it harder to forget.
For him, at least. He’d no idea how she felt. It was entirely possible that she had moved on, and part of him hoped she had. It made it much easier to think of her continuing with her life as opposed to her thinking of him in the same manner in which he was thinking of her.
He dreamed of her. He relived that afternoon. He wanted her.
Looking at his wife’s grave, he tried to bring Jacinda’s image to his mind. She’d been two years his senior, a dark-haired pale beauty with eyes the color of rich, dark earth after a dousing spring rain.
He’d married her after returning from the war and inheriting the dukedom. He’d needed a wife, and she’d been among the first women he’d met when he’d gone to London for the Season. Eager to avoid the social whirl, he’d decided to marry her rather quickly. She was well-mannered, came from an excellent family, and possessed a keen intelligence. He hadn’t been interested in falling love, not after losing Maurice and then his uncle.
“In retrospect, it wasn’t very fair to you,” he said softly. “I know you loved me, and I’m afraid I didn’t deserve it.” He hadn’t loved her, but he’d been fond of her. He supposed he’d been practicing to become the Duke of Ice, a man who didn’t feel. But it had taken one more horrific tragedy, the loss of his son, for him to fully become that man. To love was to hurt, and he’d done enough of that to last him a lifetime.
And he’d been ready to keep himself from that messy emotion forever. Until he’d encountered Violet again. Just as she’d done the first time, she’d cocked everything up.
Still, realizing he didn’t want to be alone wasn’t the same as wanting to fall in love. He could take another duchess under the exact same circumstances he’d married Jacinda. “It wasn’t terrible, was it?” he asked. “You were happy, I think. I tried to make you happy.” As best as he could. She’d been well cared for, and he’d treated her with respect and affection. He could do the same for another woman, say, Miss Kingman. She’d make a serviceable duchess.
Serviceable?
Even he knew that sounded awful. She’d make anexcellentduchess.
What about Violet?
His traitorous mind couldn’t stop thinking of her, and his equally perfidious body couldn’t stop wanting her. Instead of banishing her to the past, he was as consumed by her as he’d ever been.
Could they try again?
Simon’s pleas echoed in Nick’s brain. He was so tormented by his wife’s death. Simon wouldn’t have thought twice if presented with the opportunity for a second chance.
It was just so damn difficult to have hope when your entire life had been filled with tragedy and misfortune—from the loss of four younger siblings and finally his mother as she’d delivered the last of those children to his father and then his brother and uncle to his wife and child. And yes, he’d lost Violet too, even if it hadn’t been to death. Which meant of all of them, he could try for a second chance with her.
If he had the courage to risk disaster again.
He looked at his son’s name and thought of his perfect, tiny face. If he could feel that sense of unconditional love and devotion, it would be worth it.
