Page 44 of The Duke of Ice
“Yes.” And he’d just done it again by answering honestly.
“How wonderful,” Simon said. “And now you’re back to brooding. Angrily, I think. I take it she rebuked you?”
“No.” On the contrary, she’d all but invited him to do it again. Which he should have.
No.
Simon grinned. “Even better.”
Nick scowled at him. “No, it’s not. I told you I didn’t want to talk about this.”
“Actually, you asked if we could avoid the topic, which was rather polite of you.”
“You’re being the opposite of polite.”
“Not at all. I think you’ll feel better if you talk about it. Although I’m confused as to what happened. She didn’t rebuke you, and yet you’re clearly in knots. Explain yourself.”
Nick drew his horse to a stop in front of the cathedral and dismounted. Frustration, building inside him since yesterday afternoon, exploded from him in waves. “What the hell do you want me to do?”
Simon slid to the ground, his eyes widening for a moment. “Bloody hell, man, you’re really in a fit. I should think what you ought to do would be obvious. She wants you. You want her. I think you know what happens next.”
Yes, he did, and damn it, his cock was fairly twitching at the thought of it. In front of a bloody cathedral.
He took a deep breath of the cool autumn air. The day was overcast but dry, and the breeze had strewn leaves around them as they’d ridden to town. The journey had been bucolic and would have been pleasant if not for his wretched mood.
Nick tied his horse to the post. “We had our time eight years ago, and it’s finished.”
Simon followed suit. “That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. You have a second chance. What I wouldn’t give—” He finished his task with a hard set to his jaw.
Contrite, Nick exhaled. “This is different,” he said quietly. “Violet chose another path.” One that had led to loneliness and discontent. He could imagine that was his fault, that her time with him had caused her misfortune. He was fucking cursed.
Simon came around his horse and turned to look up at the cathedral rising before them. “You’ll regret it, I think. Life is too short. You know that.”
Yes, he did. And yes, what he wouldn’t give for a second chance to have Elias in his arms again. And Jacinda. Yet he had to admit his feeling for her had never been as strong as what he’d felt for Violet. He attributed that to being young and stupid. He was neither of those things anymore, which was why he would steadfastly guard his heart.
“The only thing I regret is allowing people too close.” He shot Simon a disgruntled glance. “You included.”
“Nonsense. Without me, you’d be a complete animal instead of just a beastly man.” He angled himself toward Nick, his eyes sad. “I don’t think you regret that at all, actually. You resent losing them, and I finally understand that you blame yourself for their loss. It’s all a risk, Nick. We love, we lose, wefeel. Even when the pain is enough to make us weep.”
Nick hadn’t cried since Elias had died. He’d sworn then that he wouldn’t shed another tear. And that meant eliminating any vulnerability.
“You can’t control everything,” Simon said. “As much as we want to, it’s all chaos in the end.”
Nick couldn’t argue with him. Long-suppressed emotion clogged his throat, but he forced it down. “I hate that.” He hadn’t been able to control anything. They’d all died—his brother, his uncle, Jacinda, Elias.
“I understand.” Simon came toward him and gripped his bicep. “It’s why I don’t drink anymore. I wasn’t in control…then.” He dropped his hand. “If I had been…”
The unspoken words hung in the air—he could’ve saved Miriam if he hadn’t been drunk. Whereas Nick couldn’t have saved any of them. With the exception of Jacinda. Since she’d died giving birth to Elias, he blamed himself.
“I can’t go back and change things,” Simon said, drawing Nick back to the present. “All I can do is make different choices. And I choose tolive.” He speared Nick with an intense stare.
Nick blinked at him slowly. “I choose not to feel.”
Simon threw his hands up. “You’re hopeless.”
“Would it surprise you to know that I am considering marrying again?” Maybe it was the attraction he felt for Violet. Or maybe it was the fact that he had allowed emotion to creep back in since he’d come to this bloody party. Perhaps it was Violet’s insistence that he shouldn’t be alone. Whatever the reason, he could marry again, provided his bride understood the requirements.”
“Hell yes, it would surprise me.” Simon cocked his head in skepticism. “In fact, I don’t believe you. You just said you choose not to feel.”
